Page 255 of Eternal
That stops her. Her face changes, just for a second. Something real flickers there. Like she almost lets herself feel it.Almost.
She steps in closer. Slowly. Her fingers reach for my shirt, land right over the scar she gave me. Her thumb brushes it like she forgot why she touched me in the first place.
“You’re not gonna kiss me goodnight?” she says.
I don’t answer. I just lean in and press a kiss to her forehead.
She sucks in a breath, barely audible. Then lets herself fold into me. Head on my chest. Fingers bunching the fabric of my shirt like she’s afraid I’ll vanish.
“Why can’t I have you?” she whispers.
I close my eyes for a beat. My hand goes to the back of her head, thumb stroking her hair. “You can,” I say. Quiet.Honest. “I’m here.”
She doesn’t believe me. I feel it in her shoulders, in how she doesn’t relax.
“Why can’t I keep you?” she says. “Why can’t I just…keepyou?”
She’s not lucid enough, no matter what I’d say, no matter what I’d do. She’s not lucid enough and I just want to hug her and make her smile to make her thoughts less distressful. “You already have me. You even marked me with your knife, it’s too late now.”
She huffs out a laugh. It’s small. Cracked. But real. Then she presses a kiss to my chest, right over my heart, and it short-circuits something in me.
I tilt her chin slightly and kiss the corner of her mouth. Just there. No more. “I missed you,” I whisper, lips brushing her skin. And then I pull away. “I’ll come by tomorrow.”
She doesn’t believe that either. I can see it. “You won’t,” she says.
“I will.”
I mean it. Even if she doesn’t believe me. Even if she doesn’t open the door.
I step out. Close the door behind me. Lock it gently.
Just in case.
74
AZRA
“To Be Alone” by Hozier
Present
Iwoke up with a headache. Not bad. Just...heavy. The kind that tells you you drank a little too much, and your body’s not used to it anymore. Maybe that’s good. Maybe it means I’m not who I used to be. At least not fully.
The water is hot on me. Warm, soft.
Back then, when I had those phases, when I was crashing out and disappearing, there was no warm water. Just cold. They didn’t want me to have the luxury. Warmth wasn’t something I was allowed.
Now I do. It’s cozy. Comforting.Warm water for a cold heart.
My headache is dull now, not stabbing. I watch the steam rise, skin going red beneath it. But I don’t step out. I stay. I breathe. Slowly.
I remind myself what’s next. What I have to do. I can’t fall back now. I finally have control… I can’t… can’t let it slip.
After that, I pull on my clothes and go for a run. I don’t even think about it. I run like I used to, through a city that’s not mine but already familiar. Streets blur past me. Breath burning in my chest. That violent, numb rhythm of not thinking, not remembering.
Don’t remember. Don’t think. Don’t.
I ran and all of it felt automatic, like my body’s been doing this for years.
