Page 264 of Eternal
Even when I told it to stop. Even when I didn’t want to feel anymore.
All it took was a man to take care of me to reawaken it and prove to me that it was still hurting.
I hated how vulnerable I felt in the arms of someone who sought me harm.
I felt likeher. Little Azra who smiled when she first saw her new parents. Little Azra who still cried because her mother felt bad when all she did was teach her that even our own blood can hurt. Little Azra who thought it was okay for people to use her like she was just a toy.
Little Azra who felt unloved and hopeless.
And adult Azra isn’t that different. I felt stupid enough to believe in kindness and softness.
And all I wanted was to feel free from these memories, from this life. This endless cycle of pain andpain and pain.
The breeze touches my skin, but I feel cold. Too cold. My hands are cold too.
The bottle is almost empty. I wasn’t drinking for taste, I was drinking to forget. Or maybe to remember. I didn’t know which one hurt less.
77
AZRA
“Creep” by Radiohead
Present
Isat there with my knees pulled up to my chest, toes buried in the sand that had lost its heat.
The ocean didn’t care that I was falling apart. It just kept moving. Rhythmic. Unbothered. Alive.
There was a kind of peace in this emptiness. In being alone with the sound of gulls and the far-off hum of waves crashing into rocks.
Peace, or punishment. But I kept my eyes closed, and the sun tried to kiss my face one last time before disappearing, but it couldn’t reach me. Not really. Nothing could.
And after a few moments, I can feel someone behind me.
And I hear his breath and understand immediately who it is.
“Go away,” I say, low. Not just to him, but to the memory of him. To the ache. To the mistake of needing. It’s the only defenseI have. I don’t want to look behind me, don’t want to feel him before he’s even here. But I know it’s him.
I always know when it’shim.
He’s closer now, the sound of his boots dragging on the sand, the soft exhale of smoke. He’s close enough that I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to, but I don’t.
“I don’t want you here, Damir. Go away.” I don’t even mean it.
I wish Icouldmean it.
But all I want is for him to stay like he promised. That’s all I ever wanted. For someone tostay. For someone to take care of me when I was too tired to do so.
Maybe that’s why I’m asking him to leave. To see if he’d stay.
He doesn’t leave. He just sits down next to me, too close, too familiar, toohim. I want to tell him to go again and mean it this time. To tell him I don’t need him here. I don’t need anyone. But I’m too tired to keep fighting. I’m too drunk to pretend. So, I just close my eyes, letting the sun melt over me, pretending that I’m not here.
That I’m somewhere far away from him.
“Open your eyes, Azra,” he says like he knows I’d listen. I don’t want to. I don’t want to look at him and let him in. I don’t want to feel anything right now, but the truth is, when I close my eyes, all I feel is the ache. The same ache that’s been here for as long as I can remember.
“I don’t even want to look at you.”
