Page 265 of Eternal
Please go. Don’t let me hurt you. Don’t hurt me.
But he doesn’t let me shut him out. “Azra. Open your eyes,” he says again, gentler now. His hand touches my face, fingers brushing the skin, like he’s trying to convince me. “Please, show me your eyes.”
I open them. And there he is, too close, his blue eyes staring back at me, like I’m the only thing he sees in the world. Oceaneyes. Cold. Soft.Beautiful. “You’re beautiful, all broken like that.”
I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know how to respond. So, I just smile. It’s weak, it’s broken, and it’s not enough to hide the truth. I’m fucked up beyond repair. But I can’t stop the smile. It’s there anyway.
“Don’t,” I whisper, even though my fear is too loud to ignore. “Don’t make me want this. Don’t make mefeelthis.”
He doesn’t say anything. He just holds me, pulling me closer, like he’s trying to protect me from myself, from the world I don’t want him to see.
I hate how soft he is with me. It makes it more… painful.
I feel his hand move gently through my hair, like he’s trying to erase the hurt. “Azra…Let me hold you.”
Trying to make it feel like something good. But it’s not good. It can’t be.
I’m not used to this.
I’m not used to being held. Not like this.
“You don’t know howhurtI am,” I say, and my voice cracks, but it’s so fucking cold. “And you… beinghere…” I stop, taking in a breath, letting the words out slowly, “It makes it worse.”
I want him to leave. I want him to disappear and leave me with my silence, with the emptiness I know so well. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t listen to me when I tell him to go.
He pulls me even closer. His lips kiss the top of my head, soft, tender. I close my eyes again, but this time it’s not to shut him out. It’s to feel it. To feel his warmth seep into me.
“I know,partner. I know,” he whispers, his voice full of understanding I don’t want to hear.
I’m too tired to fight it. I just let him hold me. I let him make meweak.
“You know why I’m mad at you?” My voice is low now, not weak. Hurt.
He doesn’t say anything. He’s quiet, watching me with that detached and soft look he always has. Like he’s assessing damage. Or waiting for an order.
“Because you made me feel like I mattered,” I say. “You didn’t run from the mess.Iwas the mess, and you stayed. You took care of me like I was worth something.” I laugh under my breath.
Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic.
“And the whole time, you were planning to go.”
His jaw tightens, but he doesn’t move.
“That’s not fair,” he says, finally.
I turn to him. “No? Then tell me. What is?”
He looks down for a second, like the words are hard to pick apart. “I always wanted to stay,” he says. And it’s calm. Flat. But not cruel. Just matter of fact, like he’s reading a report out loud. “Even knowing how it ends. I thoughtmaybe... if I waited long enough, if I found a way, I could fix it. Stretch it out.Us. Me being next to you. The missions. The dinners. Me taking care of you.”
My chest tightens. Because he means it. And somehow, that makes it tragic.
“I didn’t think I was allowed to want something like this,” he adds, quieter now. “No one ever told me I could choose this. That I could want to have this with anyone. That I could want to have this withyou.”
I stare at him. And my eyes caught something.Regret. Or maybe confusion. Like he's just now realizing the difference between survival and living.
“Missions. Orders. Sacrifice.” He shrugs slightly. “That’s what I knew. That’s what made sense.”
I take a shaky breath. “And I was just another one,” I whisper.
