Page 266 of Eternal
He tilts his head and smiles weakly. He’s close, but not too close. Careful. Always careful. “No,” he says. And this time his voice almost breaks. “You were the only part I finally had for me that I didn't want to lose.” He exhales. Looks at the sea like it might show him who he was before feeling started. Eyebrows tight. That still face.Serious Damir. The mercenary. The man they sent to kill me, because he knew where to aim. Because he kissed the soft spots with the plan to break them later. And then forgot how. “I wanted to stay,” he says. “I just didn’t know I could.”
I swallow hard, the ache in my chest turning sharp. I laugh. Quiet. Ugly. Not because it’s funny, but because it hurts. “You shouldn’t have been kind,” I say, staring past him. “You should’ve left me alone and kept it clean.” Gosh I sound stupid. Stupid.Sostupid. “You should’ve done your job and disappeared.Not—” I swallow, hard. “Not make me think I was something soft you wanted to hold.”
He doesn’t move. Just looks at me like it’s killing him.
“I was okay thinking I didn’t deserve that kind of care. And then you showed up and made it worse. You made mehope.”
He’s silent. Almost trembling. And I spit it out, the part that won’t stop bleeding, “You chose me in a way no one ever did. And that was the cruelest thing you could’ve done.”
“I didn’t know I was allowed to choose you forever.” Then he shakes his head slowly before looking back at me, “I’m sorry they never made you feel like you were worth staying for... like you were ever truly worth staying in your own home.”
The words hit me hard. I freeze. I almost don’t say anything, but I can’t stop it. It was almost comical. “Home?” I say, my laugh is fake. “Home wasn’t a place.” I shake my head, the words tasting like poison. “Home was a person. And that person was never kind.”
He doesn’t say anything else. He just pulls me closer, like he’s the one keeping me safe now. Like he’s the only one who can fix me. “I’ll be the kind home you need,” he promises, and I hate him for saying it like he means it.
I hate him for making me believe that there could be kindness, that there could be someone who cares. I let him pull me in, my head against his chest, my body pressed into his warmth, and I closed my eyes. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to need him. But I do.
His arms pull me closer, forcing me into him until my head rests against his chest, and his head stays on mine. “I’ll be that home for you.”
Why do I want to believe this? I just want to believe it so much.
Maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe it’s just that I can’t stand the silence between us, but I ask. “What was your home like?” I ask, my voice quieter than I meant it to be. “Did you have one?”
“I never had a home,” he says, the words like they’re weighed down with too much history. “Not the kind you mean.”
“How was it?” I ask, my curiosity fighting through the numbness.
He exhales deeply, his breath slow. His hand finds mine, holding it with his thumb caressing my skin slowly.Up and down. “I never knew my parents. I grew up in a place with too many kids and not enough kindness. And then left with someone who felt like a brother. He was younger. We stole. Fought. Starved. Slept wherever we could. Benches, floors, bridges. It didn't matter. And then, I got into underground fights early. Broke a lot of bones for money.”
A second passes. “I made a name fast. Started getting calls. Contracts.” His voice hardens a little, like it’s easier that way. “Killed and went on missions for many people. But I didn’t care. I just wanted him to smile. So, I did what I had to.”
“Where is he now?” I ask, almost afraid of the answer.
His eyes go somewhere I can’t follow, distant and far off. “He’s one of the ghosts I hate.”
“How many are they?”
“Four.”
“How did they die?”
He closes his eyes and says, “One was killed. The team never recovered from it. Sent one by one to other missions. And all of them died. I didn’t.”
“You never talk much about your life,” I say, quieter now, like I’m afraid of opening this door too wide.
“There wasn’t much life,” he answers. “Just war. Just loneliness. Until you.”
And I close my eyes.
Until me.
78
DAMIR
“Flawless” by The Neighbourhood
Present
