Page 281 of Eternal
“You can stop anytime,” he said. “You don’t have to push through anything for me.”
“I know,” I said, and I meant it.
I can stop it now. I have the choice…
But then I nodded too fast, trying to prove something to myself.
It’s him. It’s safe. You’re not there anymore.
And still my body tensed before he even touched it, and I hated that.
“I feel… stupid,” I breathed. “I want this so bad, and my brain’s still screaming like I’m back there.”
“You’re not stupid,” he said immediately, serious now. “You’re here, you’re safe. And we go slow, or we stop.”
I nodded again, slower this time. His hands didn’t rush. His eyes didn’t stray.
I’d had sex before.Technically.
I’d had bodies on top of mine, around mine, in rooms I don’t remember clearly because I’d left myself behind the second their hands touched my skin.
I dissociated so well, I used to think it was a skill. Like vanishing on cue was something to be proud of.
But this... this wasn’t that.
His eyes stayed on mine, searching like he was afraid to miss even the smallest shift in my breath.
“I need to hear it,” he said, voice low. “Not because I don’t believe you. But because I want you to believe ityourself.”
My throat tightened. I almost couldn’t speak, but I nodded. “I want this,” I whispered. “I just… I’m scared I won’t feel it the way I’m supposed to.”
He didn’t look away. “Then tell me howyoudo want to feel. You get to choose that now.”
God. How long had I been waiting for someone to say that?
“Like I’m normal. And you… You always made me feel like I was a person. Not apast.”
A soft smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, not smug, just warm. “You’re cute when you say things like that.”
His hands hadn’t even moved lower, but my body was already bracing for something it had never been allowed towant.
“Stop it,” I laughed almost, softly.
Cute. He called me cute…
I swallowed hard and blinked up at him. “I always wanted it to beyou.”
His eyes softened immediately. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to say that.”
“But I’m scared.” My voice cracked. “Not of you. Just of… not being able to stay here. In this room. Withyou.”
He nodded, brushing his fingers over my temple like he could smooth the noise in my head. “If you don’t want this,” he said gently, “I’ll get us pizza or make you a giant bowl of yogurt and cereal, like you like it. We’ll watch something stupid and I’ll rub your back like an old man.”
That made me laugh, a real breathy laugh that surprised both of us. He smiled, eyes still on mine. “It’s not about what we do. It’syou. I just wantyou.”
And maybe that’s when it hit me, that this could be something different. That itwas.
I looked at him for a long second, my heart racing for reasons I couldn’t name. I reached for his hand, brought it to my chest and held it there.
