Page 381 of Eternal
She let out a short, shaky breath. A laugh, bitter, quiet. “I’m what my eyes can see,” she said. “A monster. It’s too late.”
I shook my head.No.
Then I pulled her gently, guiding her to sit on my lap, straddling me. Her legs around my hips, her hands loose at my sides. I framed her face with both hands. Such a pretty sad face.
She met my eyes, reluctant, like she wasn’t sure she deserved to.
“Talk nicely about my partner,” I said.
That made her pause. And then a soft chuckle escaped her lips.
“There,” I said. “That’s better.”
She breathed out, eyes flicking down. Her forehead touched mine. “Why are you like this with me?” she whispered.
“You’re home to me,” I said, brushing her cheek with my thumb. “You’re the only person who matters.”
She swallowed. Blinked fast. Then said, “They deserved it, right?”
I nodded slowly. “As much as you deserve to be happy.”
Her eyes finally shined, not with tears, not yet, but with something softer. The fear giving way to something else.Hope.
I kissed her slowly and carefully.
“Promise?” she breathed against my mouth.
A smile tugged at mine as I took her hand and hooked our pinkies. “We’re eternal, I promise.”
105
AZRA
“Do I Wanna Know” by Hozier
Present
Ihate crying. Maybe it’s because I stopped doing it so early on. Or maybe it’s because they told me to stop. That I had to be strong, when all I wanted was to break down and sob until I couldn’t breathe.
When I started living alone, I gave myself one night a week to fall apart. Only one. I’d turn off all the lights, lie on the floor, and put a song on full volume. Then I’d cry until my head throbbed and my eyes went numb.
It became this weird routine. Like maybe if I fell apart on schedule, I could keep it together the rest of the time.
I thought it would help me keep the rest of the week together, like if I stuffed the grief into a single night, I could pretend it wasn’t always there.
At first, I visited them a lot. I’d sit by my brother’s grave for hours, sometimes saying nothing. Just being there. SometimesI’d talk to him like he was still around. Like he might answer back if I said the right thing.
I miss him more than I know how to say.
So why am I thinking about all this now?
Right now, I’m surrounded by the people I love most. Kat’s cooking dinner. Damir and Vik are outside, smoking and playing with the dogs.
I’m here on the couch with a cup of tea, staring at a file I can’t bring myself to open. The invitation. A few days before my birthday. And all I can think is: I want it to come faster.
Damir promised me this birthday would be better.
Maybe this time I’ll have a cake. Andlove.
