Page 394 of Eternal
“Azra…fuck, Azra. Wake up.”
Mama wake up… You’re scaring me…
His voice cracked. That did it. I opened my eyes, the ceiling was spinning, the world was all blurry.
“Get off me,” I slurred, shoving at him with dead arms. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him closer or gone forever.
“You weren’t answering. I called twenty times.” His hand was in my hair.Gentle. That made it worse. “What the fuck happened to you?”
I laughed, or maybe sobbed. It was a sound with no shape, just pain.
“I went to the doctor today,” I whispered. “To check if I could have kids.”
His face shifted.Slowed.
“I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to tell anyone. But I did. I thought maybe… I don’t know. You looked at me that night, when your hand was on my stomach, and I…fuck, I thought maybe I could have that in me. We’re not even together I know. I fucking know. But I just…I just… I was stupid.”
I saw it then, behind my eyes.Nothing.
“I thought maybe… I wasn’t too broken to give that to someone.”
He didn’t say anything.
“The doctor said no.” My voice cracked. “That I’d bled too much.That he…”
I swallowed. I couldn’t say his name, not tonight. “That, the scarring was too bad. That it was already a miracle my organs weren’t damaged the day he forced the miscarriage. That I’llnever…”
My throat closed. I shook my head and tried to laugh again, but it came out like a sob. “I should’ve known. I mean… he used to drug me so I wouldn’t move. Told me if I was quiet, I’d be pretty. Told me…”
I snapped my mouth shut, eyes burning. My body curled in on itself like I could shrink down and disappear inside the guilt.
“I bled so much, Damir. I thought that meant I was strong. But I was already dead, waiting to collapse.”
“I’m sorry, Azra. I’msosorry.”
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Fucking SORRY FOR WHAT!?
His arms hugged me quickly. He held me tight, and took me to the bathroom. I can’t even remember what happened, I think I was crying too hard.
Screaming. Screaming. And screaming.
Until I felt the water on me, and him in front of me. And I fell on my knees. Crying more. Because I remembered.
He hugged me still.
“I can’t do this. I can’t.”
“It’s okay baby, I’m here. I’m here.” Soft fingers brushed through my hair. “You’re perfect like you are. Perfect. Don’t think you’re broken.”
“I… I was pregnant. I was 16. He… he forced me to stop the pregnancy. It hurt so bad. It’s still in my brain. The pain. The screams. It hurt too much, too loud, too hard.”
His hand brushed my hair off my face, and I flinched. “Don’t… you can go. You can leave.”
“I’m not leaving,” he said.
I laughed again. “They all left. They all left, and you will too. You’ll see this and run.”
