Page 45 of Eternal
13
AZRA
“Addicted To You” by Avicii
Present
Istep back inside, and the noise slams into me, too loud, too much.
Viktor’s standing in the center of the room, glass in hand. He’s going to do it, the big reveal. Who’s going to be my partner? Lev, maybe. Or someone new, a new member? But isn’t that unsafe?
I don’t care, I don't want to care.
The vodka table’s right there, so close I can smell it. My chest tightens, and for a second, I hate myself for how much I want it, one drink of it, only a sip and I could feel okay, for a little while. I don’t even need much, just enough to take the edge off. Because champagne isn’t strong enough, wine isn’t strong enough either.
My hands ball into fists before I even realize it, nails dig into my palms violently.
Stop it. You’re fine. You’re fine.
I press harder, enough to sting, and breathe through my nose.
Hold. Exhale. Do it again. Count. One. Two. Three.
The want doesn’t go away, not really. It’s still there, curling around my ribs, whispering in my ear to do it. But it backs off a little, enough to let me stand here and act normal, like everything is fine.
Kat’s standing behind Viktor, scanning the crowd. When her eyes land on me, she smiles. It’s so her, all bright and hopeful, like she doesn’t have any scars hiding under the surface.
God, she’s going to be so happy tonight. She has no idea he’s about to name her his right hand, I should be happy for her. Iamhappy for her, I shouldn’t think of anything else. Only her happiness.
And I hate that my mind is fucking this up by remembering things. I hate that I can’t simply shut down and smile brightly at her, I hate it.
Drunk, I didn’t have to think about anything, high, I didn’t have to fight anything. It was calm, temporary, fake, and dangerous, but it felt like rest all the same.
But being sober means being awake and being awake means carrying everything vividly, every memory, every scar, every word.
And sometimes I miss the silence the pills gave me, the moments when I didn’t have to feel anything at all.
I miss it in the worst way, like you miss a toxic lover who made you feel good before they destroyed you all over again. It’s not love, it’s a trap, and I can’t fall into it again.
You’re fine Azra. Control it.
I glance at Viktor instead, my nails still biting into my skin, faint half-moons etched in my palms, he looks calm, like none of this is eating at him.
I press my lips together, swallowing the frustration crawling up my throat. I’ve got this. I’ve done worse than standing in a crowded room full of people pretending not to look at me. I don’t need the drink, I don’t need anything.
Everyone’s looking at Viktor, now, it’s dead quiet, then he raises his glass, and just like that, all eyes are on him, like they always are.
I lean against the wall, arms crossed, trying to ignore the dull throb in my legs from yesterday’s training. My head’s worse, though, still pounding from overthinking everything, like it always does, like it’ll never stop.Fucking annoying.
“Tonight,” Viktor says, his voice loud. “We celebrate progress and unity in Las Vegas. But more than that, we adapt. Changes are coming with these new alliances. To stay ahead, we have to strengthen ourselves. Which is why…” He stops, looking around the room. “...I’m announcing a shift in our structure. Starting now, Katarina will be my second-in-command. She’ll take over half of the men under my command.”
The room breaks into applause, loud and proud. Kat’s smile grows, her cheeks flushed as she steps up beside him. She looks taller somehow, like she’s standing on something we can’t see, something she’s fought her entire life to build.
I catch the way her hand brushes against Viktor’s, briefly. She’s trying to hold it together, but I know that look, she wants to cry, she’s trying not to let it show, but it’s there, the joy.
And Viktor? He’s proud, grinning like a fool in that quiet way of his, he’s always been like that with us, always made sure no one treated us like we didn’t belong, that we knew we were stronger, sharper, better than most of the men in this room.
Right now, he looks like Kat’s big brother.
