Page 55 of Eternal
As he walks away, his voice floats back, calm but laced with a warning, “She’s not as forgiving as I am.”
I smile to myself.
Mysweet Voron isn’t that sweet then. Perfect. Neither am I.
16
AZRA
“Elephant” by Damien Rice
Present
Having someone take care of you when you're not used to it is kind of annoying. But in the best way possible.
People often say that sometimes all you need is to feel cared for without having to ask, to feel like your life matters enough for someone to set aside their own struggles, just to make sure you're not drowning in yours.
And they might be right, because I’m sitting here not a bit drunk, smiling after the big family hug against my will at the bratva complex with Viktor and Kat.
They love me like their own…
The car in which Vik’s friend is taking me home glides to a stop in front of my building. I step out, letting the door shut behind me slowly. I almost laugh, because somehow, that tiny instant stretches out. Viktor’s driver nods and wishes me a goodnight, he waits there until I’m inside the building, then he pulls away.
A bike ride would’ve still been better in my opinion.
Mine’s still parked at the party, and I bet my baby feels alone and cold there, thanks to Viktor’s overprotective stupid instinct.
A few glasses of wine and champagne and he’s convinced I’m going to crash into a lamppost or someone or die.
But I’m not, I’m fine.
Not drunk, not even close, but it’s fun, and maybe a bit egoistic, to enjoy watching him and Kat being scared for me. I know it's wrong but adding another flaw to the long list I already have doesn’t seem so bad.
If he only knew how many times I took that bike while being high years ago, he’d kill me.
I freeze on the doorstep for a moment before unlocking the door. My house feels colder than usual, quiet in a way that feels wrong almost, like every night.
I like the silence, but sometimes, silence feels really lonely. Still, I prefer it over the noise. Not because it's empty, but because in that emptiness, I can feel full. I recharge then, feel less like a machine, and more like a human. I can hear my heart, my thoughts, and for that brief, quiet moment, it feels like the world expects nothing from me.
The blanket on the couch catches my eye first, folded neatly like it’s my most prized possession, it probably is.
And like a ghost, I brush my fingers over its edge as I walk past.
It was his.
I truly think they should’ve never been mine, not this blanket nor the journal or anything they left.
It should’ve stayed on his small bed, in his world, on his small body, it should’ve stayed in a world where I was the bigsister, the one who made sure the monsters stayed outside of his room, not becoming the monster herself.
I close my eyes and breathe calmly, taking off my shoes, my trench and breathing again.
I try to stop the thoughts before heading for the bathroom, the tiles are cold under my feet, and I shiver as I turn on the water, it’s hot and almost burning.
The steam rises quickly around me while I throw my dress further onto the ground, fogging the mirror and I put on some music.
Showers are the only place I let my guard down. Actually, now that I think about it, saying 'loud' might have distracted me from the real issue. I never feel safe enough to truly relax, even when it’s quiet.
I’m so fucked.
