Page 56 of Eternal
The hot water beats instantly against my skin as I put my whole body under the cascading water. It’s washing away the faint smell of alcohol and perfume from the party. My muscles relax, but my thoughts linger, they always do.
It’s been so long since I’ve stopped daydreaming.
And I kind of miss it.
But I can’t allow myself that now, it’s too late. I need to constantly stay focused.
I scrub at the faint remnants of makeup, and I catch my reflection in the fogged-up mirror, the scar along my jaw is so clear against my skin, so red, so ugly and a sign of weakness I hate.
And I trace it absently with my fingertips, but the memory of how I got it flickered in the back of my mind like an old wound reopening painfully.
When I step out, the chilly air wraps around me as I pull on my softest pajamas, a faded t-shirt I adore that Alexei loved to make me wear when we’d go outside and run, the t-shirt was solong and big back then it was almost a dress and now, it’s not that big but it’s enough.
My phone buzzes on the table, I glance at the screen, where the group chat with Viktor and Katarina lights up.
Kat
Are you home? Let us know you got back safe.
Vik
And tell me you didn’t take the bike and lied to me.
I can almost hear his voice in the text, laced with that cute drop of protective exasperation he always has with me. A small smile tugs at the corner of my lips as I pick up the phone and type back.
Me
Home. Thanks for the ride, Dad, and thanks Mom.
Kat replies instantly.
Kat
Good. Now sleep.
Me
Yes, ma’am.
I toss the phone aside and grab the blanket. It smells faintly of lavender and cedar, though the scent is faint now, almost gone, and maybe it is gone and I’m imagining it, or maybe it’s because I bought this washer that smells like him when he was a baby, I wrap it around my shoulders and sink into the couch, the journal balanced on my knees.
They’re all with me here at that moment.
The TV is already on, playing the same movie as always, the one I grew up with, the kind of movie where every line, every glance, every note of the soundtrack feels carved into my bones and soul.
It’s more of a memory, a feeling, a piece of her, a piece of a life I miss and don’t at the same time.
She loved it so fucking much, she always said it reminded her of who we were supposed to be, whoIwas supposed to be, and when she said it, she didn’t look at me; she stared at the screen like she was waiting for the script to teach me something she couldn’t do with simple words.
I was simply a kid back then, I didn't understand anything. I didn’t even care, I was a child watching her mom’s favorite movie, giggling like life was only about being happy.
“We’ll always have Paris.”
I didn’t understand it then, but she was always repeating it, as if the words could fill the spaces she didn’t talk about.
“Here’s looking at you, kid.” She whispered along with the dialogue, her voice so soft it was almost a prayer. Maybe it was. Maybe she saw herself in those words, in that story, more than she wanted to admit.
Now I understand, she left her entire world behind once. Her life, her home, her dreams, even the love of her life. Exactly like the characters in her favorite movie, she had to choose survival over sentiment, leaving a piece of herself in the past. She never talked about it, not directly, but I think this movie said what she couldn’t.
