Page 9 of Eternal
Maybe they’d say happy birthday, maybe the mom here would hug me, maybe this dad wouldn’t throw things.
But then he arrived, smoking in the kitchen and saw me writing the text on the cake, he didn’t look proud, he looked angry.
“Why celebrate the day you became someone else’s problem?” he asked, seriously.
I almost dropped the plate then. But I held on tight, so it wouldn’t shake.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I thought?—”
I thought we should be happy today… I thought I was allowed to be happy…
“Stop thinking then,” he snapped. His hand grabbed the plate too hard and it slipped.Crashed.Cake splattered across the floor, and on my socks.
My ugly, holey blue socks. The ones I had on the day they all died.
“You stupid little girl,” he screamed. “Look what you did.”
I didn’t do that… You did.
His hand hit the side of my face, not hard enough to knock me down, but hard enough that it buzzed inside my skull. It stung, but not really badly, not compared to before.
I didn’t cry, I just blinked. My mouth stayed shut, even when my eyes burned. I wanted to say sorry again, but the word got stuck in my throat.
I always said sorry to calm her down before. I thought it would work on everyone but here, they hate it.
Maybe this is what safety is, maybe families always hurt each other, maybe I was too soft before, maybe I’m the wrong one.
Why was I so sad then?
I missed my real mom, even when she forgot my name, even when she screamed at the walls and shoved me into corners. She was still warm sometimes, she still brushed my hair and braided it when she remembered how.
She told me I wasforeverher little girl.
Her little iris.
But then… He hit me again. I think I was smiling.
“Why are you smiling?” he hissed. “Fucking freak. What the hell is wrong with you?”
I didn’t know. I really didn’t.
What’s wrong with you, Azra?
My cheek burned, but it was like my heart didn’t care anymore.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll clean it up.”
He didn’t let me, he just pointed down the hall.
“Go to your room. Don’t come out today, not even for dinner.”
I walked quietly, that was the rule, quiet girls don’t get hit.Sometimes.
I closed the door and exhaled. There was a pen on the nightstand and a little chair in the corner, I stood on it and reached up. One star on the ceiling, then another, next to the one from yesterday. A sky, one day at a time.
Then I sat back on the floor because I didn’t want to ruin the bed. I pulled my knees into my chest and held them tight. My throat felt funny, but I didn’t want to cry.
“It’s okay,” I whispered again, to no one. “It’s okay. I’m gonna be okay.”
