Page 24 of Ruarc
Pain suddenly shoots through my body, and I curl up in a ball, trying to breathe through it as my hearts shudder in my chest. Panting and weak, I reach for the serum before I am too weak to use it, only for my arms to lie limp at my side, refusing to heed the commands my mind is screaming at them to fulfill. Darkness invades the deepest recesses of my mind, and the next thing Iknow, I am standing over the top of a prone figure. A tic later, I realize I am looking down at my own body.
Confused, I reach out only for my hands to pass right through it ... me.Am I dead?Glancing down, I see that my mate collar is barely visible on my pale green skin. Each time I have felt it lighten, I have gotten weaker. But the fact that I am standing here looking down at myself baffles me …maybe this is a dream?A flickering light twinkles in front of me, and without hesitation, I turn to follow it. My ghostly form passes through the solid rock walls as if they are not even there. Following what I am calling ‘flicker’ in my mind, I walk past the sustenance area where the others are still dancing and enjoying themselves as the darkness commences. Their laughter echoes down the halls, and I bask in their well-earned happiness as my spirit is led away.
None see my ghostly figure as I float by, heading to a location I have no knowledge of … until I do. Abruptly, I find myself in the valley of the singing bells where Ruarc kissed me for the first time. Flicker dances ahead of me, darting around quickly like she is suddenly excited about something. I stop mid-step when I see Ruarc coming my way, only for him to walk right through me.
His eyes do not see me, but he senses something when he pauses and looks around before moving deeper into the valley, where the water flowing from the rocks overhead reflects the many colors of the flowers and the bright moons above, making it look alive.
Ruarc sits down on one of the low-hanging branches of the large timber holding the musical bells and leans forward, resting his head in his hands as his whole body trembles. Flicker makes a sorrowful sound as she flies in front of him, but he does not notice her.
Blinking, I find myself standing before him. ‘Ruarc’,I whisper his name, but he does not acknowledge that I am here. Reaching out, I try to wipe the tears off his cheeks, but my incorporeal fingers pass right over him. I have no idea how much time passes as I stand here watching him, but his raw, emotional voice startles me in the silence of the valley around us.
“Kallen, I am sorry I could not be the male you deserved, no matter how much at this very moment I wish I were. The gods of Ruk must surely know I am a coward. Here I am, apologizing to the air, my voice carrying on the wind to nowhere simply because I cannot say this to you face-to-face.” The large timber he is resting upon that is guarding this valley moves in the wind, and I swear I see a smaller limb curl lovingly up behind Ruarc’s back. The bells chime sorrowfully as they seem to be emulating his mood.
‘Ruarc?’... I whisper his name once again, but it appears he has no knowledge of me, even though I am only a breath away. He is simply talking aloud, his soul heavy with the burdens he has always born alone. If it were not for the misery stamped all over his face, I would think him talking to himself was quite funny, but the words spoken are laced with pain and torment.
“If there was any male other than me, I would march back in that compound and show you and the world that you are mine, and I know things would be wonderful for a moment in time. Until you saw the real me, the one I hide from all. How many times I wished I could tell someone … anyone about the monster living inside of me, but if I did, you would believe that I somehow manipulated you and that your decisions were not your own, especially after I have pushed you away all this time. At this point, there is no right direction forward or back. I have no path.
You would never believe that this control I have over others does not work on blood family, nor you, as I have done nothing to make you trust me. Once I showed you its power, you would lock me up somewhere, terrified and possibly ashamed of what the Aynar did to me and how I could abuse it if crossed.
I know mam wants me to stay here to help her, and you grow this place into a home, but she would never deem me worthy if she only knew what the Aynar did to me in her womb. And this would simply be one more thing she would blame herself for. I bet in the long run … she would even question if she really wanted my help. She would always be watching me to see if this power would lead to greed or, worse, complete control over the ones she has personally protected all along.
Then gods forbid I am captured! The power I hold is constantly slipping from my control, especially when I am stressed. At those times, my thoughts seem to project without my intention, and then there would be no hiding it from our enemies. When they saw the extent of what I could do, they would use it to destroy worlds. The sad part is all they would have to do to keep me in line is take … you … Atasha, mam … or any of my brothers. And I can never allow that to happen; I will not willingly put you in harm’s way. The only safe place for me is back on the Zenith, where I am in control, with few others ever being subjected to my thoughts. Somewhere I do not have to be on guard all the time.”
“Ruarc, I do not understand.”
“I swear Kallen, it feels like you are standing right here with me. My mind is a mess, but it is my hearts that weep from the pain I have caused you. In another life, our bond would have been a dream come true, but I know I have to stay on course. There is no way I will tarnish your perfection with my evil. I would ratheryou live without me than be put in harm’s way ever again. You are my only real weakness. So, I must leave to protect you. The gods know I have looked at every other option, but none end where I am gifted with you.
Now that I am here alone, with no reason to lie or pretend, I can easily tell the wind that I have always loved you. From the moment I saw you in that hover carriage as a youngling, you were the female I judged all others by.”
His words rip apart what little of my hearts still remain. Even though I do not understand what he fears inside himself, he feels strongly about the danger, and his stubbornness will not waver. Even though for the first time, I feel an inkling of his love through our bond.
Ruarc suddenly stands, patting the limb he was sitting on. “Thank you great timber, for listening when I had no one else to tell. Nevertheless, it is time for me to move on.”
Once again, he passes right through me as he walks away, and this time, I know he is not coming back, nor will I ever see him again. Flicker buzzes in front of me with a sorrowful sound, and I find myself back in my body.
Blinking, I push myself up slightly and look around, shocked to see Flicker with my own eyes as she hovers in front of me. I reach my hand out slowly as she darts away, but not before I hear her words.“The Gods have not forsaken you, child; they have heard your prayers and held you through the pain … all will be well … do not lose your faith now.”
CHAPTER 15
RUARC
The shuttle’s ramp closes behind me, and the silence inside its walls feels ominous. I nearly turn around and go back to the compound, but I am just delaying the inevitable. Instead, I head to the helm.
“Zenith, this is Ruarc. Bikar, you better start answering or I would not want to be you when Slavic gets a hold of you.”
“A little busy up here right now, so be a good brother and distract him for a few rotations.”
Bikar’s voice abruptly fills the shuttle as he barks out that irreverent reply. I try several more times to reconnect with the Zenith, but I get nothing back but static. Exhausted mentally and physically, I get up and head toward the sleeping quarters, pulling one of the bunks out of the wall. Plopping down, I await the rising and the arrival of Einar and Falon. I overheard them mention when we were eating earlier, that they would relieve Murgul and Bikar at first light, so they too could reconnect with mam. I must have dozed off because the sound of the ramp lowering startles me. Swinging my legs over the side, I push myself up then head to the refresher, only to feel the enginesfire up under my feet before I have completed my morning ablutions. We are lifting off the ground just as I walk into the helm area.
“What the frack, Ruarc? What are you doing here? How the frack did you get out of the compound without the ramp code?”
“I did not know I needed your permission to return to the Zenith, Falon. And just because I am not as talented as you with technology, I am smart enough to watch you recoded it. I am not fond of being trapped anywhere.”
“Hmmm, well that explains several things. You were always a sneaky fracker. Anyway, I know you have always been a prick, but I cannot believe how frackin selfish you are, or that you would willingly throw away a blessing like a mate bond. I would have given my left sack to have mated with one of the humans, but for some reason, I was not blessed. But you, you were handed our princess. Frack, Ruarc … agghh, never mind! I am wasting my breath on you since we all know how stubborn you are when you make up your mind about something. If this serum does not kill her, she will probably be better off without your hatefulness, you ass!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Where have you been this past darkness? Kallen is missing, and after what I overheard last rising, she is probably lying dead somewhere. And if that is the case, then her death is on you.”
