Page 55 of Never Tear Us Apart
I think of Sal and Christina and the look in Danny’s eyes the last time I saw him, and I feel an unfamiliar ache, a longing. I so desperately want to go home to wherever, whenever it is. Whoever it is.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
‘I don’t feel like I’ve really got time for this,’ I tell Dr Gresch, already on my feet with my hand on the door-knob. The thought of staying overnight as part of her sleep study makes me feel trapped and anxious. How can I explain to her that I have no idea where my mind might travel next, or when?
‘I think you might change your mind if you just sit down and listen to what I’m saying,’ she says, gesturing at the chair next to where Kathryn is sitting.
‘Why?’ I ask.
‘Because I’ve listened to everything you and Kathryn have told me, and I’m not paging the psych ward. Because there is a theory, one grounded in real science, that might – just might – prove that everything you are saying is true.’
Staring at her, I sit down. ‘How?’ I ask. I try to stay focused and present in her neat, bright office, but at my back, I can always hear the stars burning and the planets turning and feel the ever-present grasp of time pulling at the hems and seams of me.
‘For decades now, the scientific community has been trying to understand what consciousness is and how it works, both in the structures of our brains and bodies, but also beyond. It’s a field of science that, even though it’s been around since the 1990s, when the theory was first proposed by Nobel prize-winner Roger Penrose, is felt to be somewhat . . . speculative. Neuroscience has traditionally rejected it, as has physics, until recently. Now, something we havealways thought of as science fiction might actually be true.’ Dr Gresch gets up, walking around her desk. ‘And I think that perhaps you and I could be the first people to practically test that theory, together.’
‘Explain,’ I say.
‘Of course.’ Dr Gresch nods, taking a moment, clearly deciding where to begin explaining something very complex to two laypeople. ‘So, what we would be doing is conducting an experiment that attempts to understand the mechanics of consciousness, to identify what it is and what it’s capable of on a universal scale.’
‘Whatisit capable of?’ I ask. ‘Because I have to warn you, I failed GCSE physics.’
‘Well, it’s a bit more than that.’ She smiles briefly. ‘We are testing the theory that consciousness is a quantum process that passes through these tiny structures in every neuron in the brain called microtubules. If we can prove that theory, then we may be able to show that consciousness has other quantum properties. Such as superposition.’
‘What’s superposition?’ Kathryn asks.
‘Put very simply, it is being in two or more states at exactly the same time. In a nutshell, we might be able to prove the theory that human consciousness can connect with anywhere or anywhenin the universe at the same time as being here – or in other words, what we generally understand as the present.’
‘What?’ I ask her, reaching for Kathryn’s hand.
‘And,’ she goes on, clearly warming to her subject, ‘that our universe is not the only one. That our daily experiences, our perception of time as linear and fixed in one dimension, is just an illusion. That what we understand as dreams – might conceivably be our consciousness receiving informationfrom other versions of us, in other parallel worlds, and all other consciousness across time and space.’
‘Maybe I’m still asleep,’ I mutter, ‘because it seems like an impossible coincidence that you are an expert in the very weird thing that is happening to me.’
‘Oh, I agree,’ Dr Gresch says. ‘It would be a coincidence, if I wasn’t a neuroscientist and we weren’t all in Malta, where, as Kathryn knows, there have been legends and rumours of a thinning of realities for centuries. It’s not a coincidence, Maia. It’s a confluence of events that presents an opportunity – for all of us. You see, we are beginning to think that consciousness is like gravitational waves: they should go on across the universe forever, but theydecohere, or collapse. The wave pattern that keeps our version of reality separate from others’ ideas of their own reality might also decohere, revealing that we all share some kind of communal consciousness. So, if we are basing your experience on that very new and largely untested premise, then maybe your consciousnesscantravel through time and space and somehow the physical variations of you all align to meet your mind when it arrives.’
Kathryn and I look at each other.
‘So,’ Dr Gresch says. ‘Want to find out?’
‘Hell, yes,’ I tell her.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
The room Dr Gresch shows me into is modest but comfortable. There’s a sofa and a TV and a large window in the wall that looks out onto a corridor. Kathryn is standing there, watching.
‘We will start with observing you for a few waking hours and then overnight,’ she says. ‘I’m sorry it’s not the most exciting way to spend your vacation.’
‘I’m excited,’ I tell her.
‘Excellent.’ Dr Gresch nods, her expression neutral. ‘The thing to remember is that previously these observations have only ever been made in a lab with simulations, and what we are doing here isn’t as accurate, but we are trying to replicate those studies in a “real world” setting.’ She encapsulates the two words in air quotes.
‘Why do you say “real world” like that?’ I ask, imitating her.
‘Well, what is reality?’ she says as her assistant brings in a trolley laden with equipment that is about to be fitted to me. ‘All we really know is that this incredibly complex lump of hot wet mush in our heads takes what clues it can from our five senses to construct a reality that we are able to live with. We don’t know – we can never know – that it is actually real.’ She gestures at a chair. ‘Now, if you could take a seat here for me?’
‘Am I dead?’ I ask her as she begins to pull a sort of hairnet over my head.
‘Why do you ask?’ she says.
