Page 15 of Hat Trick
"You must be Nancy. I'm Emily, Annie's nanny." Emily's sweet voice sings. The familiar weight of stress and anxiety settle in the pit of my stomach. My mom and I haven't texted much since I hung up on her. She knows how busy my schedule is, and really, what we need to say is better discussed in person. I just hope she came alone.
I'm relieved a touch when Emily leads my mom into the living room and she's alone. She looks tired, and way older than her 54 years. There's an uncomfortable silence as my mom and I stare at each other. I'm on the couch, Annie in my lap, watching game play footage.
Luckily, Emily comes to my rescue, again. Why is she always so good at this? At reading a room? At looking at me and knowing exactly what I need, even before I do? God, am I a damsel in distress? I snort, imagining myself in a dress in some tower somewhere and Emily as my white knight.
"Nancy, come meet your new grandbaby, Annie." Emily says, a bit of forced cheerfulness to her voice. After a nod from me, Emily plucks Annie off my lap and takes her to my mom, cooing and baby talking to her. I watch my mom's body language closely. Her body's tense, but a genuine smile lights her face. I relax a touch more.
"What a beautiful little thing..." my mom croons.
"Do you want to hold her?" Emily offers. Fuck, she's good at this.
"Can I?" My mom gives an embarrassed chuckle. "It's been so long since I've held a baby, I'm not sure I remember how."
Emily smiles warmly back at her. "Of course you can. Come, sit on the couch. She can get heavy if you hold her for too long standing up." Emily laughs. My mom takes the opposite couch cushion as me and sits, gratefully taking Annie into her lap.
I'm anxious. What if Annie screams? Or cries? She doesn't know my mom from a stranger. What if my mom gets angry at me? Tells me she's disappointed in me? Fuck, I'm disappointed in myself, although I'm not entirely sure why. I'm disappointed I wasn't in the first year of my daughter's life, but that was hardly my fault, logically, but emotionally I feel like I should have known.
I'm disappointed in Cedar, even though, logically, I understand she must have had a reason, emotionally, I'm disappointed she never told me. I'm disappointed in my dad and his inability to tackle his addiction for so many years. I'm disappointed in my mom for letting him drag her down. I can love her and be disappointed in her at the same time. But I'm not sure I could handle her being disappointed in me.
I watch my mom and Annie interact. My mom lights up, and baby talks Annie. Annie simply watches her and smiles, her two top teeth making an appearance. While I watch my mom and my daughter, Emily's watching me. I'm not sure what she sees, but she steps in.
"Annie's just the best baby I've ever worked with. She's always happy and so smart. Whatever Carter and Cedar did right, they made just the best little girl."
My mom cuts a look at me. "Cedar?"
Emily winces and mouths 'shit', before shooting me an apologetic look and wide eyes. I mouth back, 'it's okay', before turning to my mom.
"Cedar was a woman I was sometimes hooking up with. She's Annie's mom. I don't know what happened because we were always careful, but I hadn't heard from her in almost two years. The day you called me..." asking for more money unsaid, "a woman from CPS had just given Annie to me and I was freaking out. I swear I didn't even know I had a kid." There's so much more I could say. But I'm honestly not sure I have the words.
"Can I get you something to eat or drink, Nancy? Maybe we could take Annie to the park later and push her on the swings?" Emily jumps up, heading to the kitchen, likely to give my mom and I some privacy.
"I'll take a soda, dear, if you have any."
Emily nods her of course, "Carter?"
"Water would be great." I reply, giving her a grateful smile.
The silence between us is deafening. I hate it. The stress of unknowing is worse than anything she could throw at me.
"So?" I prompt, a little more defensively than I would have liked.
My mom looks up at me with a sad smile. "So? So what Carter? I'm sad we missed out on the first year of her life, but I'm sure whatever reason Cedar had to not tell you was a good one. And whatever made her give her baby up couldn't have been easy." She muses, running an affectionate hand down Annie's blonde curls.
"You're not...disappointed?" I hate how I sound like I'm fifteen again and hit a curb with my new car and dented the rim.
My mom is taken aback. "In you? Never. I believe you were careful. You're not the type to be reckless. I'm so incredibly proud of you foreverything you've accomplished." There's an edge to her voice now, like she's on the verge of tears. "And now I get to watch you grow up and become a dad." Yep, there's definitely tears in her voice now. "And I get to be a grandma." She presses a kiss against Annie's hair and breathes in her baby scent.
Emily must have sensed my panic because she arrives just then and hands my mother a tissue after setting a can of coke in front of her on the coffee table before handing me a water. Mom looks up at her and gives a grateful smile.
"Why don't I pack us a little picnic and we can walk to the park? It's such a nice day out."
I shoot out of my seat before I'm conscious of what I'm doing. "I'll help." I say and follow Emily into the kitchen.
She digs into the back of the pantry for a tote before I remember they're on the top shelf. Emily's way too short to reach. I follow in behind her to help, only to realize how tight the pantry is with two people in it. She must sense me behind her because she spins with a gasp and looks up at me. For a long, still moment we simply stare at each other. From this angle I can appreciate her beautiful eyes, the curve of her chin, the length of her neck and a sliver of collar bone I want to drag my tongue across.Fuck Rhodes, get it together. This is your nanny. You will not fuck your nanny.
"Are you okay?"
I close my eyes and bask in the calm that always eases me when I'm around her. She's the only person who ever asks me that.
