Page 16 of Hat Trick
As Captain, everyone expects me just to always be good. Always steady. I'm not allowed to have an off day, and for the most part, Isucceed.I'mthe one askingeveryone elseif they're okay. Everyone else just always assumes I am.
A hand lays against my bicep.
"Carter?"
I lay my hand over hers and hold it to me - a silent request to just wait.
Am I alright? No. I'm not. Then what am I? Overwhelmed? Afraid? Stressed? Definitely stressed.
"I don't even know." I answer truthfully, finally opening my eyes.
She squeezes my bicep and I flex it instinctively. She swallows and I trace the movement with my eyes.
"Hey, we've got this." She says simply, as if there's nothing we can't tackle, together.
"I...you.." It's my turn to swallow hard. Her stare and her smile never waver.
"I've got you." She says and I fight the impulse to touch her, hold her, kiss her. Here I am, in a pantry, big bad hockey player, Team Captain, and I'm ready to collapse into the arms of a tiny, shy woman, just because she's given me her unwavering support. She's bolstering me up.
Before I do something stupid like kiss my nanny, I reach above her and pull down the insulated tote. She takes it from me with a smile.
"What should we bring?" She asks cheerfully, sliding around me and back out into the kitchen. Right, a task, a mission, a purpose.
"I'll grab some chips and crackers. You grab some fruit and cheeses. We'll make an impromptu charcuterie board."
"Perfect!"
I take a few deeps breaths, trying to shake off the turmoil rolling around inside of me. Maybe I should bring this up with the team's sport psychiatrist? Or a therapist? If I can't get a handle on these emotions, I know it'll reflect in how I lead the team.
I'll have to worry about that later, though. Right now I needed to pack snacks, walk to the park with my mother, daughter, and nanny, and get through today.
Re-centered, I grab some crackers and pita chips.
"Are you sure you want me to go with you? Could be a special father, grandmother, daughter bonding time?" Emily asks when I return to the kitchen, her voice low.
"I would like you to come, please?" Emily's presence calms me, Annie loves her, and she seems to always know what to do and say. I'm going to need her compassion and support as I navigate this new relationship change with my mother.
She places her hand on my forearm this time. "Of course."
We make quick work of packing, finding a blanket and loading Annie into the stroller. My mom pushes the stroller while she and Emily chitchat easily. The mood is light. Emily recounts funny stories or moments with Annie, what she likes, what she doesn't like - filling my mother in on everything about her new grandbaby. Which is what I should be doing. But I don't have it in me right now. I'm terrified of disappointing her, of my dad somehow getting wind of this and using it as another means of manipulating myself or my mom. I can imagine him not allowing her to visit Annie until I send him money, or something equally heartbreaking. I know I need to talk to her about my dad's involvement, but now isn't the time or place. And I'm not sure I have the words for it yet.
We get to the park and Emily and Mom set up the blanket.
"Why don't we play a bit on the playground before we eat? Get Annie nice and tired, give her a full belly and I bet she'll sleep on the walk home." Emily offers. I watch the three as they push in the swings, slide down a tiny slide, and pretend to climb the rock wall. All three of my girls are nothing but sunshine and smiles while a dark cloud looms over my shoulders.
Soon, Annie gets a bit whiney so they rejoin me on the blanket. After a quick lunch of finger foods and me brooding, Emily checks and sees that Annie has a dirty diaper.
"I'm just going to change her over there, away from the food." She laughs, grabbing Annie's diaper bag from the stroller.
This is when I should talk to my mom. I take a deep breath in, gearing up for an impossible conversation, but my mom beats me to it.
"I wish you could find a nice girl like Emily to settle down with." The deep breath I'd taken in whooshes out of my lungs in a rush.
"What?"
"A nice girl. Someone to take care of you. Someone down-to-earth and sweet. I like her for you."
"Mom, she's my nanny."
