Page 24 of Hat Trick
"What's going on?" I ask, abandoning my plans to clean and sitting on the couch.
He runs his free hand down his face and groans. "I hate missing these moments with her. I hate how demanding my job is. I want to be there for my girls, for mom and Annie and you. You're being theparent right now that I'm supposed to be. And I can't even help you when I'm at away games."
I take a beat, thinking about how to respond. I can't imagine the pressure that he's under, and I'm not sure how best to help him. I've taken over all the domestic stuff so he has less on his plate. Annie's thriving, happy and healthy.
"Carter, I don't want to go into detail, but I did therapy for a year or so after...doesn't matter. One of the things my therapist told me is that emotions lie to us. What we feel, isn't necessarily the truth. She told me to ask myself 'where's the proof?' If I think I'm a terrible person, where's the proof of that? Where is your proof, Carter? Is Annie happy and healthy?"
He stares back at me seriously. "Yes."
"And the Titans are kicking ass right now with a real chance at the Stanely cup, right?"
"Yes."
"Your bank account looks good?"
He snorts, but a hint of a smile quirks up his lips. "Yes." He says,'you know it is'is implied.
"Your team members are good? Focused?"
He nods.
"Your employee is happy and well-compensated?"
His eyes narrow. "Is she?"
I quirk my lips at him and give him back a'you know she is'look.
A soft chuckle escapes him now.
"Are you happy? Are you healthy?"
"Healthy yes...happy? Sometimes."
"You have a lot on your shoulders, and I know hockey makes you happy, and Annie makes you happy. Focus on that. Not what you think you should or should not do. Before she left, my mother told me parenting is just a lot of guilt. It sounded harsh at the time, but I get it. You'll never feel like you're doing enough. If you're here, you'll feel guilty for letting down your team. If you're there, you'll feel guilty for letting down Annie. But the thing is, you're not letting her down. You're missing first times with Annie, and I know that stings. There are a lot of 'first times' at this age, but whether you're here or not, those first things will always only be recorded in video. At this age, Annie needs stability, routine, and unconditional love - all of which you're giving her. When she's older and is dealing with societal pressures, bullies or boys - that's when she's going to need her dad the most. Right now, Carter, you're killing it as her father, and working to ensure she never wants for a thing in her life."
He considers my words and I wait. Eventually, his furrowed brow relaxes, and he catches my eye again. He rolls onto his side and the vision is so damn intimate. It's as if we're lying in bed together, staring into each other's eyes. I can't help myself but to lay down on the couch and mirror his pose.
Something passes between us, a connection, or a heat, or a... something. I'm too nervous to hope that he feels it too.
"And you. Do you miss me?"
I swallow and nod. "I do." And it's true. Over the last few months, Carter's become my best friend - someone whose friendship I've come to really cherish.
"I miss you, too." His voice is low and intimate, whispered, and it sends electricity to my core.He misses me as a friendI remind myself.I miss his commanding presence, his strength, how safe I feel when I'm around him. I miss his scent.
"The house is a lot quieter and feels empty without three big hockey players in it." I smile, trying to lighten the mood.
He smiles in return. "What are you two doing tomorrow?"
"Your mom texted about meeting up with her at the children's museum. That's alright, right?"
His eyes soften, and he looks at me with something that suspiciously like adoration. "Of course, Ems. I know I've told you before, but you know how much I appreciate you, right? And everything you do for me?"
I nod, not wanting to let his praise get to me.
"You're not just amazing with Annie. You're...well, you're amazing. Period." His voice drops to a near whisper. "I don’t know what I'd do without you."
The warmth in his gaze makes my heart race. I force myself to keep my voice steady. "I'm just doing my job."
