Page 62 of Hat Trick
The heckling from Chad's crew dies down and a new sense of shame and realization crests over me, blanketing my low self-esteem. I was embarrassed when Gabe made a public claim on me. But wasn't that exactly what Chad had done? Been embarrassed to claim me?
I wasn't embarrassed of Gabe. Or of Carter or Luca. They're all incredible. All three of them are way out of my league. Not just physically or financially, they're all just incredible men. I know I don't deserve them. But when it's just us, in the privacy of our home, I sometimes feel like I do. I'm embarrassed of being public with our relationship because people will judge me. They'll judge them. They'll slander me. The gossip rags will wonder why not only one incredible man is with someone like me, but three. They'll slander our relationship - one that only we know why it works.
In private, in our home, our relationship makes perfect sense. We're all part of a larger puzzle, or individual parts of a painting coming together to make a masterpiece. We just work. And we don't care enough to question why. I love my men. I love them so fiercely, and with so much of my heart, it can't be wrong. And they all love me.
Luca is my biggest fan and cheerleader. He thinks I can do no wrong. He worships everything about me. Carter's my best friend. Hesupports, understands, acknowledges me and is so damn grateful for me - for who I am - I can't help but feel good about myself. And Gabe? When Gabe loves, he loves hard. His is the Romeo and Juliet-type love. He loves me on so many levels it's hard to comprehend. His love is like a wildfire - hot, intense, all-consuming. And after he loves you, you're left completely changed.
And I wouldn't change it for the world.
But I didn't want to go public with us. The rest of the world isn't in this relationship; only we are. Only our opinions matter. But I'm afraid of what people will say about me. The "five on a good day". They'd comment on my looks, my clothes, my weight. They'd highlight every way that I'm lacking as a woman. And if I'm honest, I don't know if I'm strong enough to withstand that. I've been torn down most of my life. These three men have built me back up, brick by brick, into someone I can be proud of.
I chuckle to myself.
I needed some space. Some time to work on myself - to be strong enough I didn't feel like I needed to hide our relationship. My boys deserve the very fucking best. I know Luca wants to be public with our love. Gabe just fucking declared it. Carter is calm, patient, waiting for my lead.
I wish I was confident enough. I wish I had the lady-balls to lay public claim to all three of my men, show them off, and not give a shit what anyone else thought.
But I do. I do care.
I let out a deep sigh as the first puck drops.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to work on myself and figure out how to overcome my self-esteem issues and be the type of woman deserving of my men.
Chapter thirty-four
Emily
Istand, juggling a sleeping Annie and her bag, during the first intermission. I drop her off with Margaret with a kiss and turned to return to my seat. The boys are playing well, both teams battling hard but the score is still 0-0.
I turn down the hallway from the staff area back towards the stadium and freeze. Chad and his blonde friend are standing in line at the concessions. He holds her, her back to his front, with his arms draped over her slim shoulders, and he's not-so-subtly grinding his crotch against her ass. Gross.
I manage to slide past them without them seeing and slide back into my chair. My face heats when I notice Chad's friends openly staring at me, whispering and speculating.
I jump, startled, when Chad's heavy body drops into the empty chair next to mine.
He turns his playboy smile on me. "Emily. It's so good to see you again. How have you been?"
The hairs on the back of my next stand on end. His friends were making fun of me thirty minutes ago. He was dry humping his blonde just a few minutes ago. Why is he sitting here, talking to me, as if we're something to each other?
"Good. Chad. And you?" I ask looking straight ahead, not bothering to hide the suspicion in my voice. I peak over Chad's shoulder to find the blonde, throwing eye-daggers at me.
"I've been okay."
I'm silent. I don't want to indulge in whatever this is.
"I've missed you," he whispers, his voice low, turning in his chair to face me.
I scoff. "You didn't seem to miss me five minutes ago when you were dry humping your girlfriend."
Chad glances over his shoulder. "I'm not into Lindsey. Our parents set us up, but she's not my type. She's not you." He places a hand over mine and I shudder. He must think I'm an idiot. I pull my hand out from under his.
"Chad. Please don't patronize me. I was young and dumb and let you use me. But you can't make me believe you were ever 'into' me."
For a moment he gives me a look, so full of sadness and regret it catches me off guard.
"I had a lot of fucked up shit going on in my head, baby." I wince as the use of my nickname cuts me. He would call me baby and it would make me melt, so sure that the nickname meant he really loved me. "I let my parents get in my head and convince me that I should only be with one type of girl."
I'm not buying any of his bullshit, but I also don't know how to end this awkward conversation. I've finally seen how a man loves a woman. How devoted to me the boys are, how considerate and thoughtful and caring. How they go out of their way to make me feel important and loved. It's nothing like how Chad treated me. But how do I tell him that?
