Page 77 of Hat Trick
All three boys stand in the living room, their faces murderous. Cedar is standing as well, looking every bit like she's going to give back whatever they're going to throw at her.
"Emily, are you two alright?" Carter growls without looking at me.
"Yes, Carter. We're alright." My voice squeaks. I hate myself for my weakness. Carter's shoulders relax, just as Mrs. Washington walks in the open doorway. She takes an appraising look around the room and goes into crisis mode.
"Why don't we all have a seat so we can talk this through?" She offers, pointing at the couches. I go to sit in the dining room, to give Carter and the rest room to discuss while I distract Annie, now that I'm not afraid for her safety. But Carter steps in front of me and holds his hands out for his daughter.
"Emily, why don't you go for a walk?" His tone leaves no interpretation; it's a command, not a suggestion. I wince and fall a step backwards. I'm stunned. My brain struggling to process what's happening. I look, shocked, from him, who was still staring at Cedar, to Cedar, who was staring at her daughter, to Gabe and Luca.
He wants me to leave? Just like that? My mouth falls open and I lamely close it and open it a few more times, words evading me. Everything I've poured into Annie, and him and Gabe and Luca, and now Cedar shows up and that's it? I'm out? Gabe and Luca won't even look me in the eye.
I'm being dismissed. As if I just weeks ago we hadn't been madly in love. As if Carter didn't care at all about how much I've helped him as a father. As if I mean nothing to them.
All of a sudden, I feel small. Unimportant. Not wanted.
Again.
And fuck if the last six months of the boys building me up doesn't crumble in that instant.
I'm not enough. I'm never enough.
I'm not good enough to fight for. I'm not good enough to stay for. I'm not good enough to love.
Not for my mom. Not for my dad. Not for Chad. And now, apparently, for the three men who I thought loved me more than anything. I'm not enough to fight for. Not enough to stay for. Not enough to love. What a joke.
Pinpricks of tears start behind my eyes, and I bite my lip to stop the tremble. I won't lose it until I'm clear. I won't cry in front of them. I have given them every inch of my body and soul, but I won't give them that. I won't let them see me break.
I grab my purse and jacket from the front entry and leave without a word. I make it down the four front steps of the porch before the first tear falls. Shaking, I hold myself together. They could still see me from the front window...if they're even looking...if they even care.
Fuck, I was a naive idiot. Of course they didn't care. I was just the nanny - an employee.An employee with benefitsI huff to myself humorously. Except sometime in the last six months, those lines had blurred enough to become non-existent. I was their nanny, their friend, their lover...their...whatever I was, I was disposable. I was an easy, convenient lay. Someone who wouldn't ask for more than the bare minimum. Someone so desperate for love she was eager to spread her legs and thank them for whatever they decided to doll out.
Except, that wasn't exactly true anymore, either. We had fallen in love. Somehow over the months, I had fallen in love with three gorgeous hockey players. And I thought they loved me, too.
Except you don't bail on someone you love when things get hard. You don't send them away. Like I didn't belong there. Shit, that was my home. I'd made memories in that dining room, in that bedroom, with Annie and the boys. Memories I would forever think back on only to rebreak my own heart.
'Take a walk.'
I snort a sad, sarcastic laugh. Six months of my life, my entire heart, and three little words destroyed it all.
The previously overcast sky opens up and I pull my hood over my head, before cussing. I'm wearing Carter's Titans sweatshirt. I thought about pulling it off in anger and leaving it on the sidewalk, but I'd freeze. No, I'd wallow in it instead, feeling every ounce of pain.
How stupid was I to lose my employment, my home, my boyfriends, and my...my Annie...all in one day? Fuck, in one hour. One woman shows up and takes everything from me. Because it was never mine to begin with. She's Carter's hookup, Annie's mother, the boys' friend. I was just a stand-in. A pathetic place holder. God, I hate myself.
The thing that pisses me off the most is that I couldn't even be mad at the boys. It was never supposed to be deep. It was supposed to be casual, no-strings-attached, no distractions. And yet I'd fallen in love along the way.
I thought they had, too.
My chest aches, my heart hurts and I feel weighed down by sadness, regret, remorse, loss, and pain. All of it too much to handle. I walk and walk until I found myself by the park at the side of the river. It's empty because of the rain, and it seems like the perfect place to wallow in my own mess.
I'll stay until nightfall. Until it's late enough the boys will be asleep and I can sneak back and get my car. No. The fear of seeing one of them again? I couldn't do it. It would break me. I'd see the dismissal, the apathy, the rejection. I wouldn't survive that.
I text Sammy.
Me: Could you come pick me up please? I'm at Franklin Park.
Sammy: You okay? What's going on?
Me: Don't want to talk about it, just need a ride.
