Page 78 of Hat Trick
Sammy: OMW
About 35 minutes later I see a lone car pull into the parking lot before flashing their lights at me. I wrap my arms around myself before walking to the passenger side and sliding in. I should feel bad about getting his car so wet, but I can't find it in me to care. I'll care tomorrow.
"What happened?" Sammy asks, stricken. I'm sure I look awful. Face red and puffy from crying, hair wet and matted like a wet rat, clothes soaked through. I simply look out the passenger window, more tears pouring down my face.
"Got it. Don't want to talk about it, just need a ride. Where are we going?"
"Your place." I say quietly. I couldn't go to my dad's house. I'd hear all about my failures and I didn't need the reminder of just how fucking worthless I am. And I had nowhere else to go. Sammy has a spare bedroom I can hole up in until I can figure my life out again.
The drive feels like it takes forever. I'm cold but feverish, and my brain just keeps replaying how stupid I've been over and over again. It's exhausting. I know I was stupid. It doesn't need to remind me.
Following Sammy up the steps to his apartment, I feel like a zombie. Like I'm not really in my own body. There's a dull ache in my chest where my heart used to live, but mostly I'm numb.
I don't say a word as I fall into the spare bedroom, wet clothes and all, and pass out.
Chapter forty-five
Carter
The next week is a fucking nightmare. Luca and Gabe ignore me at the house and shoot me death glares at the arena. I knew I'd fucked up the minute the words came out of my mouth. In my typical, controlling, OCD manner I'd walked into my own personal version of hell and fucked it all up.
I saw Cedar, looking as beautiful as ever, in my home, which she'd never been to. I saw Emily, her eyes wide and scared. I'd seen Annie - my little girl and the love of my life and the fear overwhelmed me. I felt utterly out of control and terrified. I was terrified what Cedar had said to Emily, I was terrified Cedar would try to take Annie away from me now. I was terrified Emily would leave us now that Cedar was back in the picture. And I saw Mrs. Washington, and I was terrified she was going to take Annie away from me too.
Out of all of the variables in the room, I wanted Emily away from this. I wanted to protect her from the hurt of seeing Cedar, and what Cedar would say to her. I knew Emily would look at Cedar and see the type of woman I normally go out with. Tall, thin, beautiful. And I knew it would bruise her self-esteem.
I wanted to protect her from losing Annie. And the coward in me didn't want her to see me fail. I couldn't stand the thought of her watching me fail as a father, after everything she'd done to help me grow. I didn't know if I was going to scream, cry, shout, or lose my shit, but I wanted to protect Emily from the worst of me.
Cedar had suffered from postpartum depression after Annie was born and began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I had seen warning signs of an addictive personality in her when we were together, but we were never each other's problems. After she got into a fender bender with a parked police cruiser (no one was hurt thank God), she was arrested for a DUI and gave up her parental rights. She'd gone to a six-month rehab and was living in a recovery house. She wasn't demanding parental rights again, but she wanted to explain what had happened and ask if I'd be open to letting her be a part of Annie's life.
She apologized for how rudely she spoke to Emily, but she'd been taken aback by seeing such a beautiful young woman holding her baby like Annie belonged to Emily. Hurt and regret and jealousy overwhelmed her, and she admitted she'd been a bitch. I believed her. I even gave her Emily's number so she could apologize.
I couldn't look her in the face when Emily left, but seeing the shock and pain and hurt reflected in Gabe and Luca's eyes was enough. I knew I fucked up, but I was helpless to do anything about it in the minute. I needed to know where things stood with Cedar and Annie before I could begin to know where things stood with Emily. I prayed she could forgive me.
I'd asked her to take a walk to give me time. That's all I needed - time. But even after we settled things with Cedar, Annie and Mrs. Washington, she still hadn't come back. I waited on the couch for her for hours, but she never came home. I called and called and texted, but she must have turned off her phone. I was worried sick. She'd gone out, alone, in the pouring rain and it was well past nightfall now.
Finally, I swallow my pride and call Sammy.
"Fuck off, Carter." He spits my name with such disdain.
"I get it man, just tell me she's okay. She didn't come home and..."
"She is home. Her only real home. Leave her alone. You've done enough." He spits before hanging up on me.
I sit on her bed and watch Annie sleep. She'd fussed before going to bed, obviously missing Emily. We both were.
Day after day goes by and I'm stuck in limbo. I've called and texted her a hundred times. I had to bribe a woman at HR to give me her brother's address, where she was living when she still worked for the Titans. I went to see her at least once a day. If he was home, her brother would tell me to 'fuck off' before slamming the door in my face. If he wasn't home, my knocks went unanswered.
I try to perform on the ice, but my heart isn't in it. I'd drop Annie off at the daycare and put in the work, but I was phoning it in, and the rest of the team could tell. Only Gabe and Luca knew what had happened, and they wouldn't gossip, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to see my mind was elsewhere.
I'm not eating. I'm not sleeping.
At night, after Annie's asleep, I scroll through pictures on my phone of Emily, and hurt. I deserve to hurt. I deserve the pain. Candid pictures of her at family day with Gabe. Selfies she and I took together at the river. Pictures of her and Luca playing together in Novy's pool. The night we were all together in Colorado. Her soft, pale skin contrasted against Gabe and Luca's dark suits, the soft smile, her eyes hooded and pupils blown out in lust. I zoom in on her lips, before touching my own. I never knew someone like Emily existed. I never knew I could feel like this about someone. Growing up with my mom and my dad, I didn't know what a healthy relationship could look like.How my heart and soul could live inside another. How you can barely breathe without that person around.
I had to breathe, for Annie, but I was barely making it.
Finally, Saturday morning we're eating breakfast and drinking coffee, while Gabe and Luca pretend I'm not in the room and can't hear them, when the doorbell rings.
I answer it to find a pissed off Sammy on my front porch.
