Page 80 of Hat Trick
Unknown Number: Hi Emily. This is Cedar. I am so so sorry for the way that I treated you when we met. I'm still not in a great place, mentally, and I took it out on you. I'd like to stop by and apologize in person, as well as bring Annie over to see you. She misses you so much.
A sob catches in my throat and my eyes burn with unshed tears. I missed Annie so much; it only amplifies the ache in my heart from the boys.
Could I see Cedar? Was this a trap? Some way to get me to see her so she could pull something passive aggressive? Would the boys use Cedar or Annie to get to me?
I text her Sammy's address and an hour later the doorbell rings.
I open the door a crack to see beautiful red hair atop ivory skin and sexy freckles. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this yet.
"I owe you an apology." She starts, one hand held out to me placating, while the other holds Annie to her hip. I choke back another sob when Annie coos "Em-ma!" and gives me a toothy smile.
Fuck it. I let the tears fall freely.
Annie leans forward in her mother's arms, reaching out to me. I look at Cedar, only to see an encouraging smile. I pull Annie from Cedar's arms and bury my face in her belly, breathing in her soft, clean scentand letting the tears fall freely. I have missed her all week, but the severity of the pain didn't hit until I saw her in person again.
I peak around to make sure we were alone, before toeing the door open and motioning for Cedar to come inside.
I sniff and wipe my tears and nod towards the couch where we both sit.
"Emily, I am so so so very sorry for how I acted that day with you. It was all wrong. I wasn't expecting a beautiful woman to open the door holding my baby as if I'd been replaced." I snort at this and roll my eyes.
"What?" She asks almost nervously.
"Have you looked in a mirror?" I spit back sarcastically. Not my finest moment, but my emotions are all over the place.
She gives me a shy smile and looks down. "I'd never been to his house. It was never like that with us but when I saw you...all these ugly feelings of not being good enough, my guilt of fucking up and losing Annie, my insecurities that she didn't need me anymore or would have been better off without me reared up and I let them. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. I'm in the program and part of the process is acknowledging our mistakes and asking for forgiveness." She looks at me with hopeful eyes. I study her for a moment. I never did get the details about what happened for her to lose her parental rights.
"What happened? With Annie? Why did you never reach out to Carter? Why did you give up your rights?"
Another shy smile. "You're protective of them."
I nod. "Very."
"That's good. That's very good. Thank you, Emily. The last six months have been hard but I'm glad to know they both had you to lean on." She goes on to tell me about her addiction, her accident, the fear of telling Carter, the guilt of not telling him and how that fueled her addictions. As she spoke, I saw her for who she was - a human being; a flawed, hurting, struggling and overcoming human being.
I scoot closer to her and wrap my free arm around her shoulders. Whether Annie and Carter were ever truly mine, or what this means for a future, I can't help but feel for Cedar. I can't imagine her struggle and her loss and how strong she is for overcoming her addiction and trying to make things right.
She seems shocked with my hug at first, but quickly wraps her arms around me too. "Thank you for taking care of both of them, Emily. I really can't thank you enough." She says through her tears. We're both crying now, but it feels good, cathartic, cleansing. Annie happily squirms in our arms.
"Do you love him?" She asks me, pulling back to look me in the eyes.
I bite the side of my cheek. "Yes." I say sadly. "But it's not....they're not..."Mine. They're not mine. They're yours.I want to say, but I can't form the words. She nods in understanding.
"I'd like your blessing to start seeing Annie again." Cedar says and I stare at her confused.
"Carter let me bring her to you today because he knew how much you were hurting, and how much you love her, but that you're not ready to see him again."
More tears. That was very sweet of Carter.
"I don't have the right to tell you if you can or can't be in your own daughter's life."
"Of course you do. You took care of my girl for the past six months, when I couldn't. I'm not saying I'll leave if you tell me 'No', but I want to know you're okay with it. And I want you back in her life too. The more people who love my little girl, the better."
A sob wracks through me, seizing my chest. I've missed Annie so goddamn much this past week. "I'd love that." I say through the tears. I share photos I've taken of Annie while she was in rehab and share funny stories about her. We spend the next few hours chatting comfortably, as if we've been friends for years. As she leaves, we share a promise to keep in touch, and another long, heart-felt hug. Before I close the door, though, she pauses and turns back.
"Don't give up on him." A sharp pain hits me square in the chest when I realize who she's talking about. "He is just a man. And he loves the shit out of you." I nod, swallowing past the brick of emotions in my throat. Does he love me though? Do any of them? I know they've attempted to text and call but is that it?
I nod. Say my goodbyes and shut the door.
