Page 74 of Power Play
So, in the course of a year, I've gotten five new family members to love. And who love me.
However, I saw them a week ago and they were angry about the marriage announcement. That I hadn't included them. But honestly? It hadn't crossed my mind. I never imagined getting married, so why would I have thought about my dad walking me down the aisle? Even if I planned a wedding, Tracey would have had some emergency on that day, and he wouldn't have come. So why was he suddenly acting all offended?
I did feel bad, though. What if it had been a dream of his that I'd taken away? I didn't like that idea. Even if I also don't regret marrying Garrett.
What I am anxious about, though, is my parents' reaction. Tracey's always gotten all of the attention and any attempt for them to see me as anything other than a disappointment has always failed.
My stomach churns, heavy with acid, as I mourn for the eight-year-old, the ten-year-old Lacey who only wanted her parents to notice her.
But even now, after Scott's pep talk, I know that they ignored me because of their flaws, not because of anything I did wrong. I was a child. Children should be surrounded with understanding, patience, and unconditional love. I know Savannah's illness and loss was hard on them. And I can't imagine going through something so difficult.
I mourn deeply for the childhood Lacey that never got that.
But I was a child. I've been on the mom side of TikTok for the last few weeks and it's taught me some pretty important things. Things I knew on a surface level, but things that I now allowed to seep deeper into me. Now that I'm a parent, I'm seeing things in a new light.
For kids, after their survival needs are met - housing, food, water, safety - they need attention. Attention equals love to kids. And really, is it that hard to give?
Kids don't need flashy clothes or expensive things. They need your love and attention. They need to know you see them. It doesn't even have to be praise or playing with them. It doesn't even have to be good attention. Any attention at all is better than none. And maybe that's where Tracey went haywire. After Savannah, she needed their attention more? And was willing to do anything to get it?
Whatever her reasons, while I can understand the reason behind her actions, I don't have to condone them. My peace matters, too. My boys taught me that. My babies taught me that. I had other people in my life to worry about. When you're raised your entire life to feel "less than" you end up as an adult who doesn't care about her own needs. But when my health and happiness affects how I show up for my guys? How I show up for my children? Suddenly, there's a lot of fucking reasons to take care of yourself.
Ben squeezes my knee reassuringly, in the rental car. They found out I'd married Garrett from a friend of a friend, and they were pissed. And let me know about it during family day. I didn’t even know Tracey had invited them to family day.
We decided we needed to tell them about the pregnancy in person. And in private.
I roll my shoulders back. At the end of the day, what they think of me doesn't matter. I have my new family. I have three men who take care of me and give me the attention I never got as a child. I have the Titans - the players, staff and wives, who I know I can lean on if I ever need anything.
I take a deep breath in and let it out as Ben pulls into the driveway of my childhood home. Scott had insisted on chartering a private airplane for us. Which was ridiculously expensive, I'm sure, but alsoinsanely appreciated. So much so, that I FaceTimed him from the private bedroom and gave him a show. He, out of all of my boys, seems to love my changing body the most. He can’t get enough of my swollen belly, my huge breasts, the sight of me pregnant with a child.
But I refuse to be sad, or anxious about this. I'm here to do a job - tell my parents and fly home. We even booked the B&B in Presque Isle so we would have an easy exit if we needed it.
Ben holds my hand as we walk up to the door and knock.
My own personal tormentor opens it.
"Lacey!" My twin sister shouts as she throws the door open wide, plastic smile glued to her face.
"Tracey, honey, who's at the door?" My mother's sing-songy voice comes from somewhere further into the house at the same time Ben curses quietly next to me. How the fuck did she get here so quickly? Had she known I was coming? How the fuck did she know I was coming? This would have been a lot easier telling them without her involvement. But I guess I didn't get that luxury. Again. Naturally.
Ben squeezes my hand and looks at me. I know without a shadow of a doubt if I say run, he'll beat me to the car so it's running by the time I get there, and he'll be my getaway driver.
But no. I came here to do a job.
Mom and Dad know I'm coming for dinner. I'll try to stick to the plan the best I can, but I'm done letting Tracey steal anything, especially my peace.
Chapter forty-one
Lacey
I'd like to say dinner is tense, but it's not. Tracey dominates the conversation, like always, talking about her new apartment and her new job with the Titans. Ben keeps checking on me out of the corner of his eye to gauge my reaction, and I pick solemnly at my dinner. I tried to ask Mom about her book club, and Dad about his pickle balling, but got mild, polite answers. God, I'm a stranger to my own parents.
A part of me, full of childhood rage, wants to scream at them, to flip the table and demand they see me. Another part of me knows that it's useless. That I shouldn't have to beg the people in my life to see me. I think about my earlier conversations with the boys. How a family is supposed to act. How I'm allowed to cut familial ties that no longer serve me. That I deserve to take up space, and I deserve to be loved, not because I've accomplished anything, but because I exist. That this is my life, and I deserve to take up space in my own life.
I'm over this dinner, so I tap the side of my glass to get everyone's attention.
"Excuse me, everyone. I have an announcement to make."
Ben squeezes my hand in reassurance. I press my hand to my belly, where my baby bump is, carefully hidden beneath a baggy sweatshirt. But before I can make my announcement, Tracey notices my hand and stands.
