Page 220 of Never Die for a Sinner
If I don’t, I’ll be a shell of a person—someone just like my mother.
Nolan nods once, looking down at the dog in his hands. Silently, he places it in my lap before he bends down, pressing one kiss to my forehead.
Almost twenty years, and all it took to win his affection was a near-death experience.
“I’ll always watch over you, sweet girl.”
Then he walks out of the room, leaving behind a heaviness that I hadn’t expected. I didn’t know the man, yet it feels like I’m saying goodbye to the little girl who rests inside me, who always wished for a big family. Cousins, aunts, and uncles. A mother and father who loved each other.
From the time I was six years old, it’s always been my deepest wish. To feel that kind of love and acceptance.
Now that the possibility is there, I’m finding I’d much rather learn to love myself than settle for the scraps of someone else.
Which brings me to my next heartbreak.
Levi’s eyes meet mine, and I think he knows. His head cocks slightly to the side, like he’s studying me, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I know I’m reaffirming his darkest fear. He doesn’t like to be left behind. The knowledge that I’m hurting him feels like I’ve swallowed glass.
His gaze meets mine, and the darkness there makes it feel like all the air was sucked from the room.
I almost back out, but I know that if I do, he willneverget better. He’ll never learn to let people in. Paulina is right. Everyone else around him is enabling him. Allowing him to keep up with this façade that he’s fine and everything’s okay, when deep down, the voice inside him is screaming for help.
I can’t be just another enabler. I love him too much.
Tears well in my eyes, and he blinks, looking down at his hands in his lap.
“I’m guessing I don’t need to explain to you why I did what I did,” he says finally, his voice quiet.
Love. It’s such a fickle thing, isn’t it?
It’s elusive, but when you find it—and I meanreally find it—it can tear your soul straight from your chest with just a few words.
Tears sting in my eyes, and I fiddle with the stuffed dog on my lap, so I don’t have to see the pain in his gaze.
“I’m also guessing this is the part where you tell me you forgive me . . . but that you need space.”
No, no, no. I want to scream at him. Fight with him. Listen to him say he loves me again, and let myself give in to the idea that I can accept the parts that hewillgive to me.
But I know I can’t.
He broke my heart because he thought it would save me. Now I’m doing the same for him.
He nods once, and I can’t help myself. I meet his gaze, and the turmoil there matches the pain radiating through me. This hurts so much more than I could have ever imagined. More than hearing about his secrets. His lies.
I knew he did it all to save me. It didn’t make it any easier.
“From the moment I laid eyes on you, I think I knew you’d own every piece of me for the rest of my life,” he says. “There won’t ever be a moment when I’m not madly fucking in love withyou, Ava. In this life and every single one that follows. . . I belong to you. I’m going to earn you back.”
A tear slips down my cheek, and I can’t look away from those frosty eyes.
The bullet wound in my shoulder is nothing compared to the pain of watching him get to his feet. Gently, he stoops down, mirroring my father and pressing one soft kiss on my forehead.
The scent of him washes over me, and desperation burns through me. Heartache blooms in my chest, sending a ripple of pain through me that has nothing to do with being shot.
I feel like I was ripped to shreds.
Levi walks away from me, towards the door, only to stop and look back at me, his hand on the handle and his eyes clouded in darkness.
