Page 32 of Never Die for a Sinner
Reaching over, I try to turn it up, but it’s maxed, so I fall back, my mind wandering to ignore how cold my fingers are.
Despite the cold, I love this time of year. The bugs die and go back to hell, the sun doesn’t try to melt you to the pavement, and the air smells like wet leaves and frosty nights.
The holidays were Gran’s favorite, starting with Halloween. We’d always hand out candy to the local trick-or-treaters, and shealwaysforced me to dress up with her.
I’d pretend to be annoyed for the longest time, but truthfully? I’d give anything to go back to those days right now. Just to have her healthy and happy again, even if we never celebrated another holiday again.
She seemed . . . different tonight. Tired, yes, but more withdrawn. I can’t escape the devastating feeling that she’s right. She’s dying, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.
No amount of fresh-baked goods from Mila, my visits, or even her favorite old TV shows will help her. In the end, I have to say goodbye, but what’s worse is not knowing. This waiting game is something I’ve never experienced before because instead of excitement for what’s to come, it’s pure and utter dread.
Gran has been my rock for the last twenty-three years. When she’s gone, I’m alone in the world.
Tears start to brim in my eyes, and I push them back, refusing to cry. I’ve cried every night this week, and right now, I need all my eyesight to watch for deer on the back roads leading toward Cross Estate outside of Seattle.
It’s not like it will make a difference. Ultimately, fate awaits everyone. The rest of us are left to pick up the pieces.
“Come on, Judith,” I growl under my breath when she makes a detrimental sputtering sound.
Thatcan’tbe good.
“I just want to go home.”
Judith doesn’t seem to give a shit.
The entire car lurches, a loud grinding coming from under the hood, and I’m forced to surrender, pulling to the edge of the road.
As soon as I put the car in park, the battery cuts out, casting me into complete darkness.
Great. Just. Freaking. Great.
I force a calming breath past my lips and hunt for my phone in the pitch black that surrounds me. I find it in my bag, but there’s no service this far out in the wilderness.
There are no cars. Nothing but trees and deer and that existential dread that comes from staring into the darkness for too long.
The universehasto be mocking me.
I check my phone.
—Nothing.
I try the key again.
—Also nothing.
Smacking my hand on the steering wheel does nothing but bring tears to my eyes. Once they start, I can’t get them to stop. Finally, I accept my fate, laying my head on the steering wheel and letting out a sob.
“I really hope to God this is rock bottom because I don’t want to know what comes after this.”
Judith offers no support.
Big, ugly tears fall down my cheeks, and for the first time in a long time, I let them.
I don’t know how long I sit there, but it doesn’t matter. I cry for Nana. For the bills piling up around me, threatening to swallow me whole. The worthless cancer treatments. I even cry for the dog I had when I was a kid because I can. Who’s here to stop me?
I’m well and truly alone out here.
Or so I thought.
