Page 66 of Playing With Secrets
“Jami, I don’t have any right to say this, but no matter what I’ve done, I still love you. I’ve missed you so much. I don’t deserve it, but can we try to rebuild what we had before all this?”
His eyes find mine. His swirl with love and fear. He stands and strides over to the window.
He clasps his hands together around the base of his neck and gazes at the ceiling. “You don’t understand.”
“I’m not asking for us to jump into anything.” I rush to him.
“Dori, it’s not that.”
“Please, listen to me.”
He releases a heavy breath. “Okay.”
“Through my therapy, I realized I’ve never given you my full attention. It’s not fair to either of us. For me, because I’ve been lying to myself. And for you, because I’ve been blaming you for my fear of ending up in a relationship and blowing it like my parents.”
He lowers his arms and faces me. “Do you think I’d let you sabotage us?”
“Take what I did. If that’s not proof, I don’t know what is.” I huff a laugh. “You were right when you said I always pick a dangerous man.”
“And why is that? Because you believe if you’re with me, we’d act like your mom and dad?”
“I think I’ve gone out with that type of guy because, on some level, I know it won’t work out. Somehow, I’m safer that way. If I lost you, I’d be devastated, but you’re the one I’ve always wanted and loved.”
“I’m not sure I’m understanding what exactly you’re asking of me?” He stares at me with his eyes turbulent and wary. “Where does that leave Hunter?”
“Here’s what I figured out. It might help you make sense of it. I’ve been playing with both of your hearts. I’ve been living in the excitement or drama it’s caused. It fed my ego in some way and kept me safe from figuring out the crap in my life.”
“It sounds like you’ve discovered some things through your therapy.”
I nod. “What woman doesn’t want two of the most amazing men fighting for her? It was selfish, but I’m done playing games with you.”
“What does that mean?”
I wrap my arms around myself. “I’ve pushed you away for someone else over and over because I’ve been afraid it won’t work out between us and I’d lose you forever. But I’m working through that, so what would you think if I didn’t push you away?”
His shoulders slump. “Jesus Christ, this isn’t the conversation I was expecting to have with you.”
“I know, but I am done going between you two.”
“And what does Hunter know about this?”
“I haven’t talked to him yet. He doesn’t open up to me. I tried talking to him on Saturday, but we ended up in a big fight.”
“Did you come to this conclusion because you’re not getting along with him?”
“No. He and I just don’t work like you and I do. He won’t share anything with me that has to do with his past. But you… I know everything about you. We don’t hide things from each other. That means the world to me. I feel close to you in a way I can’t describe.”
Jami deflates and he sighs heavily. “Dori, this is coming out of nowhere.”
“It’s not. We’ve had this thing between us since as long as I can remember.” I take his hands in mine.
He stares at them for a second, and then his eyes fall shut. “I’m not where you are right now. I wish I was, but I need more time.”
“Understood, but I hope I didn’t ruin things between us for good.” I squeeze his hands.
He shakes his head as his gaze meets mine. “Let’s work to get on solid ground before we have this conversation.”
My heart shrinks a little, but I understand this is what he needs and I don’t want to mess up again. “How do we do that?”
