Page 95 of Playing the Game
I amble into the living room. “I don’t know where to start.”
Jami gets off his stool and follows me. “Let’s round back to how you were feeling earlier. You said you were sad. Talk to me about that.”
We get settled on the couch. He faces me and gives me a look of support. My heart warms. He’s always been attentive to me. It makes me love him even more.
I let my reservations fall away. “I loved working there, but now it’s just gone. It’s my fault I lost my job, but it still hurts.”
“Come here.” He holds out his arms.
I scoot over to him and let him console me with his nurturing hug.
“I’m so humiliated, Jami. I knew better and did it anyway, knowing how reckless it was.”
“There’s no use in beating yourself up.” He runs his hand down the back of my head.
“But everyone must think I’m some kind of slut who sleeps with her boss and the brilliant contractor they hired to build a powerful app. People must think I’m garbage.”
“Stop talking about yourself like that. You know that’s not how it went down. And anyone who wants to judge you isn’t worth your time.”
“Easy for you to say.” I shrink into myself. “Honestly, Jami, I’m mad at myself for not listening to you that morning after I was roofied.”
He pulls back and finds my gaze. “Can I ask why you didn’t?”
I shrug. “I was falling for him and didn’t think I had a chance with you. You were so angry the morning you found out I was with him. Then you asked me about marrying him. It didn’t seem like you cared if I would’ve said yes.”
Jami huffs. “Fuck if you didn’t read that wrong. It gutted me, knowing that’s what he was thinking, but you seemed dead set on being with him.”
I reach down and take off my shoes. “Can I tell you something?”
“Anything. You know that.”
I bring my knees to my chest and hug them. “When I started therapy, Samantha, my therapist, asked me to picture my life with each of you. When I let myself dream, I always saw myself with you in the end.”
“Then why did it take you so long to admit it to me? You knew I loved you.”
“No, I didn’t. For a long time, I thought it was wishful thinking to be with you.”
“Why?”
I shake my head. “You would do these things that made me think we had a chance, but then you would go cold. It drove me crazy.”
“Like what? Help me understand so I don’t make that same mistake.”
“We would get close, but then you would push me away. You would shut down on me and quit speaking to me. I knew you weren’t mad at me because you were still kind, but you would keep our conversations short and to the point.”
He looks down. “Yeah, I had a lot of guilt.”
“About what?”
If he says Aiden…
Jami’s quiet for a moment, then he brings his gaze to mine. “When I was unconscious in the hospital, I remembered something from our past.”
“Go on.”
“There was a time when we were in your backyard. You made a comment about wanting to go out on a date with me. I hesitated, not knowing how Aiden would react.”
“I knew it.” My chest burns. “He’s still around, so what are you?—”
