Page 137 of The Surrender
I push him aside. I just want to hurt him. I want him to feel how I feel. Broken. Lost. Confused and helpless. “I hate you more than I love you, Jude. And you made that happen. That’s on you. So fucking deal with it. There’s no going back.”
He recoils, shocked, and watches me yank the door of the Jaguar open. I fall into the seat and reverse out of the space fast, forcing Jude to jump out of my path on a loud curse.
“Amelia!”
I hold the hysteria tight inside me as I drive to the gates, faster than I should. Nelson is there, my luggage by the gatehouse. I stop and throw it in the boot with his help, and as soon as I’m back in my car, I let the dam break. Emotion comes over me like a tidal wave, and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to clear them of tears so I can see the road better. Knots riddle my stomach, my body convulsing with sobs. So much pain. So much regret. So much anger and resentment.
I don’t know how I will ever get over this. I don’t know if I will ever trust again. Make myself vulnerable. Allow myself to fall in love. I hit the steering wheel with the ball of my hand on a yell. And again. And again.
And again, and again, and again, shouting past my body-racking sobs.
Ruined.
The Jaguar fills with the sound of my phone ringing. “Shut up,” I snap, glancing at the dash, seeing his name. I reject his call and frantically fiddle with the knobs, desperately trying to find some music to drown out my screaming head.Anymusic. “War of Hearts” by Ruelle bursts through the speakers. Not loud enough. I turn it to max, roughly wiping my nose, laughing sardonically at the fucking irony as I take a turn in the road.
I love you.
It wasn’t a lie.
I think I’m in more trouble now than I was an hour ago.
“No!” Louder.
The road becomes blurry, my head banging, my fist constantly whacking the steering wheel.
The music cuts. My phone rings.
“Fuck off!” I yell, hitting the reject button on my wheel, making the music kick back in.Louder.Another turn in the road approaches, and I barely slow into it, feeling the wheels pull, struggling to stay on the road.
The music dies again.
My phone rings.
My lips twisting, I accept. “Fuck off!” I yell, slamming my palm into the wheel again.
“Amelia, listen to me.”
I glance at my rearview mirror as another bend appears up ahead, seeing Jude’s Ferrari in the distance, a black dot on the horizon.
“I need you to slow down.”
“It was all a fucking lie,” I sob.
“Amelia, slow down.”
Why is he talking so calmly? “I fell in love with you,” I mumble. “I fell so hard. I need this pain to fuck off. I needyouto fuck off.”
“And I fell in love with you too, Amelia,” he says, so gently, the roar of his engine making him even quieter. “That part wasn’t a lie.”
“Stop it!” I check my mirror again as I take the next bend. “Stop lying to me!”
“Listen to me. Please, please, I’m begging you. Just pull over and listen to me.”
“You expect my grace?” I ask, my words breaking.
“I don’t expect it. I’m begging you for it. Your grace is one of the things I adore about you. I’m depending on it. That and your heart, Amelia. Please, pull over.”
His Ferrari appears in the distance behind me again, small but there, just before I take a corner far faster than I should, snivelling,swiping at my brimming eyes angrily. “I’m not stopping for you. I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I’m ov—”
