Page 18 of City of the Lost
“Wait. Wila, you can’t keep running away from this. From us.”
“There is no us, Tay. You know I can’t give you what you want.”
His face twisted in pain. “But what if I could give you what you want?”
My pulse fluttered in my throat. “What are you talking about?”
He stepped into my personal space, welcome as the rain on the parched earth. “I can leave the knell. I can leave and be free of the mating instinct. We can be together.” He swallowed hard. “No strings attached.” He grazed my cheek with the back of his hand. “We don’t need to be mated to be together.”
The final vestiges of intoxication took a leap, because to a troll blood his knell—his connection to his ancestors—was everything. It was where they drew their strength. It was a community, a home no matter how far they strayed. It was where the Slumber took them. He’d give that up for me? A fist closed itself around my heart and squeezed, and tears pricked my eyes. I reached up to brush my fingers down his stubbled cheek and trace his strong jaw. His eyes fluttered closed—the giant gentled by my feather-light touch. The forbidden part of me yearned to taste him, to scream yes, do it, dump them and be with me, no strings, just two people who like the fuck out of each other, but this was the selfish Wila taking over, because as much as Tay wanted to think he’d be cool with no strings attached, he’d never be happy with it. He just wasn’t wired that way. It would eat away at him, and eventually, it would kill anything we had. I couldn’t bear to lose him as a friend, so I’d have to lose him as a lover.
“I can’t do that to you, Tay.”
His eyes popped open. “I want you, Wila.”
I wanted him too, with a visceral need that I did a fucking ace job of keeping under wraps. “No stringsisn’t who you are, and you know it. This connection we have just got confused for a while, and we slipped, but we have to forget that ever happened.”
“Wila, I lo—”
“Don’t say it.”
My heart squeezed painfully at the crushed look on his face, and, not for the first time, I hated myself, this broken part of me that couldn’t do the most basic thing that everyone else seemed to fall into so easily.
“Your friendship means the world to me.” My throat closed up, forcing me to swallow the lump that had formed there. “I can’t lose you. If you turn your back on the knell, then you’ll regret it. You’ll regret it, and eventually, you’ll grow to resent me.” My eyes pricked. “I can’t live with you hating me, Tay. I just can’t.”
He opened his mouth to protest even though doubt glittered in his eyes.
I placed a finger to his lips to hush him, but a danger flashed in his eyes, and before I could pull away he’d gripped my wrist and taken my finger into his mouth. Heat flooded me, knees buckling as he swirled his tongue around it and then sucked, drawing a desperate throb from the apex of my thighs. I tugged, desperate to get free, and he released my hand.
“Tay ...”
His eyes were bright, gleaming with desire, as he moved closer, forcing me to back up. I hit the wall. I was trapped by the powerful cage of his body. Overwhelmed by his scent, by his large, calloused hands that were skimming over my body, across my ribcage, and up under my jacket to cup my breasts. The air rushed out of my lungs as his thumbs brushed across my nipples, forcing them to painful attention, reminding me of the sensation of his rough, wet tongue on the sensitive peaks.
His chest rumbled, low and sensuous—a sound that vibrated through me, settling in my most intimate place.
“No, not fai—”
His mouth crashed down on mine, slanting across it, claiming me with tongue and teeth. He tasted of peaches and alcohol. I swept my tongue against his smooth, even teeth, taking his tongue deep into my mouth and sucking on it, echoing what I’d like to do with other parts of his anatomy. He growled into my mouth, his grip on my waist tightening, lifting me up so that we were pinned together groin to groin, so that he was pressed against me, rubbing, rolling, the friction a delicious heat spiking through me. Oh, God. Oh, fucking God, I wanted him. Mine. He was mine.
The door to the apartment slammed. And it was as if someone had thrown an icy bucket of water over me. My muscles tensed. No. What the fuck was I doing? Weak, I was so fucking weak.
Tay had gone very still, his head pressed to my collarbone. “I love you, Wila.”
Tears blurred my vision and leaked from my eyes. “Fucking hell, Tay. I ...” I love you too. The words seeped into my mind from the forbidden place. The hungry, selfish place, and my lips trembled with the impulse to say them. I bit the insides of my cheeks.
He raised his head and looked deep into my eyes. “Wila?” He could see it. He could see it because it was shining from my eyes. “Why?”
I brushed the tip of my nose against his. “Because nothing is ever enough, and I can’t hurt you. I won’t.”
I pushed at his shoulders, and he slowly lowered me to the ground. We stood there, chins tucked in for a long second.
“I wish I was different.” My voice was a whisper. “I wish I could be that woman, I ...”
“Don’t.” He gently grasped my chin and tilted my head up. “You are who you are.” His lips quirked. “Whatever that might be.”
He was talking about my unknown heritage. The genes that made me defective, that made me broken. “You can’t wait for me, Tay. Promise me you’ll take care of you.”
His throat bobbed. “I can’t do that.”
