Page 48 of City of the Lost
His eyes flared as if reading my emotions. Had he read me?
He shook his head, sorrow painting his face. “Go.” His voice was raw. “This never happened. Just forget it happened.”
His words were shards piercing my heart as I echoed them. “It never happened.”
* * *
The lounge doubledas a cinema room on the odd occasion when I got the chance to binge-watch movies or my favorite TV shows. Curtains were pulled to cover the French windows, the lights were turned off, and Hound was curled up at my feet. Popcorn crunched and the tiny blonde kicked bloodsucker arse while quipping like it was going out of fashion. Heck yes, this was how it was done. No thinking about Azren, or what had almost happened, no worrying about Tay and his date with Tonya. Just some kick-ass supernatural action.
The door opened, and I didn’t need to look up to know who’d entered. His presence was a warm hug and his aroma was musky and totally male today. No cologne, just his natural troll pheromones. The sofa dipped as he lowered himself onto it and helped himself to a fistful of salty popcorn.
“I love this episode,” he said.
“Yeah, me too.”
We watched in companionable silence. This season was my favorite, and he’d watched it with me several times, saying the lines with the actors. Sometimes, he’d do the female lead and I’d do the male; it always had Trevor in stitches. My eyes pricked and my chest ached with nostalgia. Would we ever be able to go back to that again? He had Tonya now, so maybe soon.
The credits rolled on the episode, and I hit pause and then grabbed the contracts off the coffee table.
“When do you need them back?” Tay asked.
“She said forty-eight hours, so can you drop them back later tonight?”
He nodded. At least I think he did, because looking at him meant seeing his face, his beautiful, beloved face, and then saying goodbye, because soon he would belong to another.
“Wila, Mack told me he told you about Tonya.”
I fixed a smile on my face and turned to him. “And that’s great. I’m really happy for you.” I slapped his thigh in a hey-we’re-mates gesture.
He frowned. “You’re a shitty liar.”
My shoulders slumped. I had no right to hold onto him, not after what I’d been up to with Azren a couple of hours ago. “I’m also a shitty person. You’re better off with Tonya. Trust me.”
His frown deepened, and he reached up to cup my face, tilting it so he could look down into it. “You are not a shitty person. You’re the most …” He stopped and swallowed. “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and ... I’m head over heels in love with you.”
My heart climbed up into my throat and beat rapidly, because he’d gone and said it again, blatantly said what I’d wanted himnotto say again, because now there was no hiding from the fact that, despite my reservations, I felt the same way. I was in love with him, head over heels, boil-a-bunny in love. But it would never be enough, because Tay alone couldn’t fill the emptiness in my soul. I knew it like I knew I had five fingers on each hand, and goddamn, I hated myself for it.
I shook my head, blinking back tears. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you. I’m broken, Tay. It’s like there isn’t enough love to fill me, and even though I have you, I want more.”
Darkness flitted across his broad features. “Tell me.”
I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the disgust on his face when I opened my heart. But he was one of my closest friends, and hiding this part of me from him for the past few years had been a physical torment. My words were a hushed whisper. “I love you too, Tay.” His breath exploded against my lips in a soft gasp. Oh, God. There was more he needed to know. “But I just dry humped Azren in the bathroom, and I think ... I think I have a thing for Valance too. I’m so messed up.”
His fingers flexed against my skin, and there was deep silence for several beats of my twisted heart. “You have feelings for them?”
“I don’t know. Yes. I think so. It’s new and different. Not like it is with us.”
“Open your eyes, Wila.”
I did, expecting to see reproach or disappointment, but there was only compassion. How was he looking at me like that? “How can you not be disgusted with me right now?”
“You told me the truth, even though it was hard, even though you knew you might lose me. You told me because you’re not the kind of person that wants to hurt anyone, and I can see this is tearing you up. This is hurting you.”
I gripped his collar. “I just want to be like everyone else. I want to love someone and for that to be enough.”
His thumb swept across my cheek. “But you’re not like anyone else. You’re you. Youcan’tbe anyone else, and you can’t fight your instincts all your life. That feeling inside you, the one that yearns for more ... maybe if you listen to it, you might find out who you really are.”
I blinked up at him. “You’re telling me to go forth and have tons of lovers.”
