Page 131 of Lost and Stolen Gods
“I cannot replace what you have lost,” he said. “But I swear to you that I will do everything in my power to ensure that you lose nothing more.”
My head was full of cotton wool, and although part of me recognized the significance of his words, the meaning was lost to me.
I took a shuddering breath. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I will help you to reach your goal. I’m saying that I will stay with you as your weapon, as your drohi.”
My eyes burned from all the tears, making each blink an effort as I finally processed the fact that he was ready to give himself to me completely. “What aboutyourgoal?”
His jaw tensed. “That was taken from me the moment I was bound to you. I was just too stubborn to accept it. Maybe if I had, then things would be different.”
My scalp pricked. “What are you saying? That I wouldn’t be so devastated about Pashim if you’d stepped up as my drohi?”
“No, I?—”
“That I wouldn’t care?” I pulled away from him and sat up. “Do you wish I didn’t care about him?” My chestheaved as anger displaced my sorrow. “I’d be dead right now if not for Pashim. He saved me because he cared, because we…” I shook my head, dislodging fresh tears. “I need air.”
I clambered out of bed and slammed out of the room without bothering to grab my boots, which left me trapped in the barracks. But there was somewhere I wanted to…needed to be.
It wasstrange being in Pashim’s quarters without him present. But his scent lingered, bringing memories of all the hours we’d spent together. My chest ached, and more hot tears sprang to my eyes because we would never have the chance to make more.
I’d never see his smile, hear his laugh, or feel his touch. He was dead. No…he was trapped. Oh god. He was trapped, just like Nani.
I took a shuddering breath and swallowed a sob. I couldn’t be weak. Not now. Not ever. If I was going to free them and give them peace, then I needed to be stronger. Better. Harder.
I picked a sketch pad off his desk and flipped through the pages, fat tears forming in my eyes despite my resolution not to cry because every page was a portrait of me. Images drawn from his memory.
I love you, Leela, and I would have continued to love you with every fiber of my being.
Guilt circled my heart in a ring of barbs because I wasn’t sure if I’d have ever been able to say the same to him. Wasn’t sure I’d have been able to love him with the intensity and focus he deserved.
But he’d loved me enough to give his life for me.
I clutched the book to my chest. Mine now. He’d have wanted me to have it. I gave the room a final once over, gaze snagging on his bed where the corner of his sheet was awry. Strange because Pashim was always so neat and?—
What I needed to tell you is in my mattress.
My pulse spiked. How could I have forgotten?
I fell to my knees and dropped the book on the rug to feel up his mattress. He’d saidinnotunder,but…Oh…there was a zipper. I pulled it open and reached inside to find a gap. My fingers grazed the edge of something hard. A book. I pulled it out.
Wait a second. This was one of the books that Bhoomika had given me. Why had he hidden it?
I sat back on my heels and flipped it open to find a folded sheet of paper inside. A note from Pashim?
Pulse throbbing hard in my throat, I opened it and stared at the lines and squiggles that made no sense. It wasn’t written in all tongue. Why had he left me a note that I wouldn’t be able to read? Unless…he hadn’t wanted justanyoneto be able to read it but knew Icouldread it with the correct resource…
“Leela?” Araz stood in the doorway. “What are you doing?”
“Come in quickly and shut the door.”
He obliged, his dark brows meeting in a frown. “What’s going on?”
“Pashim told me he had something important to share with me. He said he couldn’t do it on the pareekshan because there were ankh around, but he’d tell me when we returned. And then, just before he…when he saved me and Joe from the pishacha, he told me that what he needed to tell me was hidden in his mattress.”
I held up the note. “But I can’t read it, and I think…I think he meant for you to read it to me. Can you…Can you read it?”
He took it from me, and as he read, his frown melted into a look of revelation.
