Page 87 of Lost and Stolen Gods
They exchanged confused glances. “Well…yeah,” Dharma said. “Our room has a leak, and they had the floors up to do some work, so Araz offered to let us have your room. He said you guys were going to sleep under the stars or something, and I thought maybe he was coming around and…” She trailed off with a wince. “You didn’t know, did you?”
“No, she didn’t,” Chaya said. “Leela, did you walk in on us last night and think…”
A hard lump had formed in my throat burningwith betrayal. “The roof, you said?” My voice sounded strange.
“Yes, but Leela?—”
But I was already halfway down the corridor, heading for the stairs to the roof.
Araz saton the edge of a daybed, his warm brown skin bathed in the orange glow of the sunrise.
There were so many things I could say right now, but all I could manage past the constriction in my throat was “Why?”
“You’ll have to be more specific than that.”
“Why dintcha tell her you’d loaned out your room?” Blue said for me.
“I didn’t think it would be a problem.” He tipped his face to the sun, his body still turned away from us. “Aren’t they friends of yours?”
He was being deliberately obtuse, and I was sick of it. “You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew what I’d think, what assumption I’d jump to. Youwantedto hurt me.”
“Hurt you? Why would my sleeping with someone else hurt you? Itshouldn’thurt you. You don’t own me. We have no commitment to each other aside from a bond neither of us asked for, so why the fuck would it matter?” He speared me with hisburning gaze, top lip slightly raised in the habitual sneer he wore around me.
That look would usually hurt, but not today. Because today I saw right through it.
Pashim was right about him. He was desperate to keep me at bay. Desperate to fight the connection that the bond had activated between us. None of this was personal no matter how it hit.
“You’re right, Araz. Ishouldn’tcare. Just like it shouldn’t botheryouthat I slept in Pashim’s bed last night. That I asked him to hold me.”
His chest heaved, and his jaw hardened. “Of course, you did.”
“Yes, because he’s my friend, he cares about me, and he’s not afraid to show it. But I get it. You are. You’re afraid of getting close. Of getting attached, and so you’re being an asshole.”
“I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Yes, you are. But it’s fine. I’m going to make this real easy for you. I’m done. Done trying to form a connection, done trying to be your friend. Going forward, you arenothingto me, just a guy I share a room with. Come to training or don’t. I don’t care. I don’t need you, Araz. I have me.”
Saying the words was like letting go of a weight I’d been holding for the past three weeks. The weight and responsibility of making this work. Of makinguswork. Of being like the others. Of fitting in.
But heck, when had that ever been easy for me?
It was time to let it go.
I left him to the sunrise and walked back into the building shifting my mind to the gauntlet tomorrow. Nothing else mattered. I wouldn’t let it.
“Rise and shine,it’s gauntlet day!” Blue crooned in my ear.
My eyes popped open. Today was the day. I was up and ready in minutes. “The others?”
“At breakfast. Pashim is waiting for you,” Blue said.
“I don’t think I can eat a thing.”
“Ya need fuel. Maybe just some porridge?”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Course I am.” He puffed out his chest.
