Page 60 of If You Never Come Back
My ears ring in the seconds that follow his admission.
“I’ve never been in love with anyone before in my life. You’re the first,” he says. “That night when you threw my surprise party, I knew I loved you. I knew you were it for me.”
Wes loved me all the way back then? My memory flashes back to the day we broke up. This time when my throat tightens, it brings tears.
“You loved me…but you left.”
He offers a sad nod. “After my tequila drinking binge in Utah, I started seeing a counselor online. Sessions with her helped me realize that when I get scared, I run away. It’s what I’ve done my whole life.” His eyes glisten. “It’s what I did with you. But I’m not scared anymore. I know what I want.”
“What do you want?” I finally say
He glances down at the hardwood floor for a moment before connecting his stare with mine once more. “You. I want a life with you—marriage, family, kids, all that—more than anything.”
I blink, letting the tears fall down my cheeks. Tears glisten in his eyes too.
“For so long I was freaked out at the thought of meeting someone’s family, of going all-in in a relationship, of trying to make my own family because I didn’t have any of that growing up. I couldn’t look to my parents for guidance…my mom was gone and my dad was a disaster.” His voice trembles, evidence of the emotion that’s undoubtedly coursing through him at his confession, just like it is with me. “I left because I didn’t know how else to handle it. I’m so sorry I did that. Leaving you was the biggest mistake I ever made.”
He inhales, I inhale, and we pause, letting the moment of silence be our collective breather.
“Why didn’t you tell me all this when you came back?” I say.
His eyes fall to the floor for a beat before returning to my face. “I tried. But I was so nervous that I gave that terrible apology. You got upset and ran off, then you got hurt. And when I tried again, you cut me off. You said you weren’t interested in anything with me anymore.”
All our arguments and stilted conversations from the night I fell hit me like a bucket of ice water to the face. This whole time Wes felt the same way about me—he wanted the same things I wanted.
My heart thuds. Everything I’ve ever wanted him to say has come raining down over me in the past two minutes. I open my mouth to speak, to say the words trembling on the tip of my tongue, but it’s too much. I’m in sensory-emotion overload and if I try too much too soon, I may explode.
But after spending so much time skirting around our true feelings, we need to be open and honest with each other.
“This is a lot to take in, Wes.”
“I get it.” Wes takes my hand in a gentle hold. “What do you need me to do to prove to you that I mean every word?”
I open my mouth, but the words aren’t there. Because I can’t think of a single worthy objection. Yes, Wes hurt me, but he came back and apologized. He’s nursed me back to health, showing me just how much I mean to him. And he went through counseling to work out his issues—the issues that led to our breakup. He’s showing me that he’s changed and wants a future with me.
I want that too.
“Tell me,” he says. “I’ll do anything.”
“You don’t need to.” I reach for his face and turn him back to me. “I love you, Wes.”
Wes’s brow jumps at my confession. He cups my cheeks even tighter. “You still love me?”
“I never really stopped.”
I grip my hands around his wrists. Our stares connect in an unbreakable invisible line. I never, ever want to look away.
“I want you, Shay. Forever. If you can forgive me.”
My heart thuds, the pressure like a giant drum beating from within. Again, I’m in tears, but now it’s joy powering them, not uncertainty. And it’s the single greatest feeling in the entire world.
“I forgive you,” I say.
“So you’re…you’re mine again?”
“As long as you promise to be open with me like you were just now. You promise to work through any issues we have—you promise you’ll never walk out on me again?”
“Never, ever.”
