Page 148 of One Good Puck
I take in the innocent, curious look in her eyes. I was going to tell her about her dad last night, but she fell asleep.
A knot forms in my stomach. I avoided talking to Emma about her dad her entire life. I answered the questions she had about him when she was younger, but I kept things pretty simple. I told her that her dad left us. She was sad about it, but didn’t ask again.
Part of me was relieved. So many kids blame themselves when their parent abandons them, even though it’s not their fault. I didn’t want her to feel like she did anything wrong, so I didn’t bring him up.
But I have to now. She deserves to know the truth.
I start to undo the messy ponytail in her hair, nervous about how I’m going to navigate this conversation.
“Yes, honey. That man is your dad.”
She frowns like she’s confused. “How come I’ve never seen him before?”
My heart aches at what I’m about to tell her. “Because he left us when you were a baby. Do you remember asking me about this when you were younger?”
She shakes her head. Her brow furrows. “Why did he leave?”
“Because he wasn’t a very good dad, honey.”
There’s more to the story. The fights and resentment and hurt feelings. The realization that my partner wasn’t the good guy I thought he was.
But I don’t want to get into all that with her. She’s too young to understand all of that. So I make things as simple as I can while still being honest with her.
She blinks, and a bit of the confusion in her expression fades away. “Was he mean to you?”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
She nods, like she’s starting to understand.
“Were you sad when he left?”
“I was at first. But then I realized how much better things were without him. He was mean, and we argued a lot. After he left, it was just me and you, and life was a lot better. You were the cutest, sweetest, most perfect baby in the whole world. And I was so happy that I could focus on just you.”
“How come he was so mean last night? How come he tried to take me away from you?”
I’m quiet for a moment as I think about how I want to explain this to her. “Some people don’t know how to expressthe big feelings they have. You remember when we talked about big feelings, right?”
“Yeah. Like when I get mad or sad or cry really hard and you tell me it’s okay as long as I don’t say mean things or hurt anyone.”
“Exactly. It’s okay to feel all those things. What’s not okay is to hurt people. But some people have a hard time with that. Like your dad.”
She nods, then goes back to watching her cartoon.
After a minute, she turns to me again. “He’s not going to try and take me again, is he?”
I kiss the top of her head. “Never. You’re safe. I promise.”
She looks at Gavin cooking in the kitchen, his back to us. “Gavin doesn’t get mad or hurt people. Except he got mad at my dad for taking me and pushed him against the wall. That’s okay, right? It’s okay to get mad at someone if they’re hurting you or doing something bad, isn’t it?”
My heart aches at how innocent she is. “That’s exactly right, honey.”
“I like that Gavin is nice and doesn’t get mad or hurt people.”
I smile. “I like that too.”
She doesn’t ask any more questions about her dad while we watch TV. She’ll probably have more questions at some point. And I’m sure when she’s older, we’ll have this conversation again. And that’s okay. I’ll talk about her dad as much or as little as she wants. I want to be an open book for her. I want her to always feel like she can come to me about anything.
Gavin walks over with two plates of pancakes. He hands one to me and one to Emma.
