Page 22 of Stay
“Yes.” Hearing her describe the incident that way makes me feel as if my throat is closing up and I’m being strangled from the inside out. My eyes widen as my fingers claw at my neck as if that will loosen the pressure.
“Cassidy, I want you to look at me.” Her words are firm but comforting. My gaze flies to hers. “You’re safe in this office. We’re going to work through this together, all right?”
Unable to verbalize a response, I nod.
“I want you to close your eyes and relax into the chair.”
When I don’t immediately comply, she says, “We’re going to engage in some breathing exercises to help calm you.”
I jerk my head and settle against the chair before squeezing my eyes shut as the soothing timbre of Dr. Thompson’s voice washes over me. Any moment I’ll hyperventilate and totally lose it.
“I want you to focus on drawing in slow, deep breaths. Inhale through your nose and then breathe out through your mouth. In and out. Good. You’re doing wonderfully.”
I concentrate on the sound of her voice. On breathing in before slowly pushing it out. Little by little, my muscles relax. First the tips of my fingers and then my toes. My arms and legs. After a while, everything feels limp as a noodle while she continues to instruct me. When she falls silent, I peel open my eyes, realizing that I no longer feel as if I’m being suffocated.
“Better?” she asks before sitting back and watching me closely.
“Yes, much better.” No longer does my body feel strung tight, riddled with anxiety and icy cold panic.
“Good.” She asks gently, “Do you feel like you might need a prescription at this point?”
Drawing in a deep breath, I turn the question over in my mind. I don’t have anything against taking pills if they’re needed, but… “No. It only happened once, and I don’t want to start taking anything again.”
I’ve been down that road before and want to handle this on my own.
“I understand your feelings and I respect them, but you need to promise that if you experience another attack, you’ll call the office right away. Even though you’re reluctant, we may need to revisit the subject again.”
“I promise that I will.” My hope is that it won’t be necessary.
“Good. Why don’t you tell me how your classes are going? It’sbeen a little over three weeks since the semester began. Are you overwhelmed by the workload?”
Something within me settles, because academics are the easy part. With the exception of last year, I’ve always excelled scholastically. Especially in math and science. Steering the conversation away from what caused my panic attack to school feels like safe terrain. There’s no racing heartbeat, frantic thoughts, or panicking.
I can handle this.
“My classes are going really well.” After the disaster of last fall, it feels good to be doing well.
“And working in the tutoring center hasn’t added too much stress?”
“No.” My thoughts immediately turn to Cole and the probability that he’ll be popping in from time to time. “I really like tutoring. It fits in my schedule and I’m enjoying it more than I thought I would.”
“I’m glad to hear that. It sounds like you’ve got a good handle on your courses and your job. Other than the anxiety attack, everything else seems to be going well.” She smiles before jotting down a few more notes. “That has to feel good.”
I draw in another deep breath before releasing it. “It does feel good.”
Not only am I excelling, I’m enjoying my classes. It’s a complete contrast from last year when I felt like I was drowning in my coursework almost from day one. Being at Western feels like a second chance, and this time, I refuse to blow it.
With a glance at the clock, Dr. Thompson wraps up our session. “We have about ten minutes, is there anything else you’d like to discuss before you leave today?”
“The guy who grabbed me…” my voice trails off as awareness skitters through me. Even thinking about Cole has my insides prickling. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but he affects me more than I want him to.
More than I’m comfortable with.
Spending that hour tutoring him, and then grabbing dinner afterward,only made me like him more. He’s ridiculously easy to be around.
She leans toward me before pressing the issue when I fall silent. “What about him?”
“He’s in one of my classes and showed up at the tutoring center the other day.”
