Page 35 of Stay
I’m frustrated with myself for feeling hurt by this awkward interaction. Clearly, I’m in no frame of mind to be anything more than a friend to Cole. On second thought, maybe not even that.
Just as I’m about to take off, he slides over, blocking my path. He reaches out but at the last second, drops his arms to his sides. My wide gaze tracks the movement before they swing up to his again.
He must sense the questions burning in my eyes because he clears his throat. “I’ve noticed that you don’t like to be touched.”
Neither of us move. I barely feel as if I’m breathing.
It takes effort to suck in a deep breath before forcing it out again. I’m not panicking. I’m more embarrassed that he’s figured me out so easily. Now that he’s spoken the words out loud, there’s no way to ignore my behavior or pretend it doesn’t exist. And that’s hard. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed, like I need to explain myself to him.
“No,” I say quietly, “I don’t.” As difficult as it is, I leave it at that.
He takes a tentative step toward me. When I don’t retreat, he takes another, and then a third until I have to crane my neck to hold his steady gaze. He’s so close that I can feel the heat radiating off his body. It’s as if he’s the sun and I’m drawn to the warmth.
“I can’t stop thinking about you, Cassidy,” he whispers. He pauses, gaze searching mine. “I’ve tried to,” he admits, with more honesty than I’ve given him, “but I can’t.”
Air gets trapped in my lungs as my mind spins. I guess we have that in common. As much as I want to push him to a place where I no longer think about him, I haven’t been able to do it. I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. I’m not ready for what he forces me to feel.
It scares me.
Hescares me.
“Breathe,” he says. The moment he murmurs the words, I realize I’ve been holding my breath. Very slowly I release it back into the atmosphere. “I’m going to touch your shoulders, okay?” His words are calm, soothing.
I can breathe.
I’m not panicking.
My chest doesn’t feel tight or achy.
“Okay.”
Almost in slow-motion, he brings his hands up until they’re able to rest lightly on my shoulders.
“What are we going to do about this?”
His words are like a calm stream washing over me. Somewhere deep inside me, they spark a flicker of hope that maybe he sees more in me than I’m capable of seeing in myself.
Confused and unsure, I shake my head. “I don’t know.” I really don’t. There are a thousand reasons why this is a terrible idea. A thousand reasons why a relationship between us is doomed to fail.
Before I can think better of it, I whisper, “I’m a little bit broken.” Probably more than just a little.
For a long silent moment, he holds my gaze with his golden one. “You don’t have to tell me anything right now, but if we’re going to do this, you’ll have to trust me enough to let me in.”
My teeth scrape against my bottom lip. “What if I can’t?” It’s hard to imagine forcing out the words.
Especially to Cole.
“We’ll take it slow, Cassidy. So slow that it won’t even feel like we’re moving.” The edges of his lips tip upward as his fingers press into my shoulders.
“Why?” How can he be this patient?
I shake my head, still scared, but feeling a tiny bit of hope as well. “Why are you bothering with this? With me?” He has to realize there’s something wrong with me. He has to know that a relationship won’t be easy.
Because I’m not easy.
Not anymore.
He cocks his head, and for the first time in more than a week, I watch as a genuine smile curves his lips. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that my heart flutters at the sight of his dimples.
