Page 85 of Stay
Her lips lift into a smile. “And school? That’s going well?”
“I’ve still got straight A’s. I’m going to talk to a couple of my professors about changing my courses for next semester. I need something more challenging. What I’m enjoying most is my Psych class. The subject matter is so interesting.” I pause before admitting the path I’ve been considering. “I’m thinking about changing my major to Psychology, and maybe going into counseling.”
A thoughtful expression crosses her face as she nods. “That’s a wonderful idea, Cassidy. I know the university has excellent internshipopportunities available to their students. What about tutoring? Are you still able to make that mesh with your schedule?”
“I’m working about ten hours a week at the tutoring center, and I still enjoy it.” A smile hovers at the corners of my lips as I shrug. “There are so many people who hate math, but I love it. I like being able to help other students grasp the concepts.”
“You’re right, not many people feel that way about mathematics. You might want to consider going into a teaching program. I think you’d be an excellent teacher. It’s just another option to consider.”
For the first time in more than a year, I feel like the possibilities for my future are limitless. I can achieve whatever I set my mind to, as long as I commit myself and work hard.
“After failing out last year, I wasn’t sure if I’d have the grades to get into a teaching program.” What happened last year still embarrasses me, but with time and distance, it’s fading.
“I can understand your concern. Acceptance into the School of Education is competitive. If it’s something you’re interested in, we’ll find a way. Think it over. You have time before you need to make any big decisions. I would also suggest that you set up an appointment at the career counseling center. They could help you research both professions.”
Optimism fills me. “Okay, I’ll do that.”
“How’s hockey going? Still enjoying it as much as you were before?”
When a wide grin spreads across my face, she says with a chuckle, “I can see that you are.”
“I love it. There’s no longer any pressure for me to perform, and it feels fun again. Just like it used to before my dad started planning my entire future around it.” My mind drifts back to the past. “Where I’d go to college. The camps and clinics I needed to attend. All the extra practices and workouts.” Somewhere along the way, hockey stopped being enjoyable and became more of a job. One I had to be perfect at. “After getting kicked off the team last year, I never expected to play again, but it feels great to be out there.”
“Isn’t that nice? To play for yourself and have fun. It seems likesomewhere along the way, that piece got lost. I’m glad you were able to rediscover that. When was the last time you actually enjoyed playing hockey?”
I scour my brain before shaking my head. “I don’t remember. Probably elementary school, before I started playing on a travel team.” Even though I enjoyed being part of a girls’ team, that was when the pressure to stand out intensified. Every game had to be my best.
Her eyes sharpen as they hold mine. “Now it’s about the joy you feel on the ice.”
“Yes, it is. I don’t have to worry about impressing coaches or scouts,” there’s a pause before I add in a softer voice, “or my dad.” As soon as the words leave my lips, my heart constricts.
She nods as if understanding how painful the admission was. “I’m glad you realize that. In a way, flunking out released you from the constant pressure you’d been operating under for years.”
Taken aback, I whisper, “Are you saying I sabotaged myself on purpose?”
A heavy silence falls over us before she says, “I don’t have that answer.”
I drop my gaze, staring down at my fingers as they twist in my lap. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I self-destructed last year.
It’s only in hindsight that I realize I’ve been a ticking time bomb. And when I’d detonated, not only had I destroyed myself, but my relationship with my family. All these thoughts circle through my head before I force myself to meet her gaze.
“I think the pressure of playing at such a high level, attending such a rigorous school, needing to be perfect…it all just got to me until I couldn’t deal with it anymore.”
“But that’s not the case here?”
“No. Everything feels different. It’s like night and day.”
I’m not worried about self-destructing. I’m more in control than I was before. I have a better understanding of myself and what I can handle.” I gulp in a breath before forcing it out again. “And my father isno longer controlling everything. I think that had a lot to do with it. Up until I’d left for college, he’d regimented my entire life. I followed the schedule and didn’t ask questions. Without him there, I’d fallen apart.”
Giving voice to the words makes me feel pathetic. I’d been eighteen years old. I should have been able to handle everything on my own.
“Have you learned anything from that experience? Is there anything good you can take away from it?”
Anything good?
As soon as the snort escape, my eyes widen. Dr. Thompson’s lips tremble in response.
“I don’t know,” I finally say when it becomes apparent she’s waiting for a response. “Failing out, losing everything the way I did, was the worst experience of my life. But it did make me realize that, ultimately, I’m the one in control. It also taught me that I’m stronger than I thought. I can get through anything if I take it one step at a time and stay focused on what’s important.” I pause for a moment, processing what I’ve just verbalized. “I’ve learned that ignoring an issue won’t make it go away. It’s better to tackle problems head-on instead of trying to sweep them under the rug. Realizing you need help and seeking out assistance doesn’t make you weak. Maybe if I’d talked with my coach or adviser, everything wouldn’t have spiraled so far out of control.”
