Page 41 of All That Glitters
“Okay. Which car do you want to try?” She turned and extended her arm toward the race cars sitting a few feet from us. “We seem to have a few to choose from.”
“Now?”
And if she knew that it was Hale my father had mentioned by name, would she still be willing? I wanted to tell her, ask her, poke and prod to find out if she already knew, but I didn’t. She was here and she was willing to do this one thing I’d asked.
A part of me also wondered if she was looking for signs that I was bluffing, that I would make excuses, that I… I honestly didn’t know.
She set her purse on a low shelf nearby. “No time like the present.”
“You said you couldn’t stay long. Hale…”
“I’ll deal with Hale. Stop stalling.”
“I’m not. I… You pick one. I don’t care.”
She didn’t seem convinced, but walked among the cars, stopping at the one furthest away.
“Why that one?”
My feet dragged, shuffled as my body started to rebel against me. I didn’t want to do this. None of it. If my father had walked in the door right then, I’d have told him to find someone else, that I couldn’t do it, that I quit.
“Because there’s nothing on the driver’s side the way there is with the other two. This one gives you a lot more room to get in and out of.”
She was calm as she talked, as she explained her choice, and I wanted to ask her to just keep talking, to talk and talk and talk. It calmed me, the sound of her voice. And I didn’t fucking understand it. I didn’t fucking like that she had a hold over me in a way I didn’t expect and couldn’t explain away.
“Can you open the door for me?”
“Seriously?”
“I…” I showed her my trembling hand.
“Yes. Yes, of course.”
She pulled the handle so easily with steady fingers. I wanted that back. I wanted all of it back.
I maneuvered around until I was standing there, so close that all I had to do was bend my knees, and turn my body, then slide into the seat the way I’d done a million times before. Only this time it was different. I was different.
I stared into the confines of the car. Helen stood calmly by my side and let me take my time, working up the courage to get in.
The longer I stood there, the more I trembled and the harder it all seemed.
And that’s not the way I was with anything in my life. I wasn’t a coward. I wasn’t sheepish or a wallflower. If I wanted something, I reached out and grabbed it. I reached out and took it with both hands and a triumphant smile.
I could do this.
I could fucking do this.
One leg in, then the other, and I was behind the steering wheel. I could barely breathe. Were the walls of the car closing in? Was it real?
I was terrified to touch the wheel with its buttons and knobs and bright colors. I was terrified to do more than sit there.
“I hate this,” I ground out. “I fucking hate it.”
Helen knelt beside me, laid her hand on my arm “I’m right here, Ash. You’re not alone.”
I wasn’t alone, no. But I was weak. I was weak in that moment and knew that it wouldn’t be the last time. I didn’t know how I was going to get through it, any of it.
She applied a little pressure and I looked down. She had long, elegant fingers. Why hadn’t I realized that before? Why hadn’t I really noticed her, the woman she was, the girl she used to be? Why did it take the crash to make me realize there was a part of me that wanted to kiss her?
