Page 54 of All That Glitters
He wasn’t wrong. Not about any of it.
“Again, fuck you, Brax.”
“Look, if you’re happy to crash and kill yourself, that’s on you, but don’t endanger the rest of us because your ego and pride can’t handle the limitations you’re faced with right now.”
I surged to my feet, ignoring the stiffness and pain, and stepped into Brax’s personal space. He didn’t back up the way I expected him to. He stood his ground against me.
“Get out of my garage.”
“It’s mine, too, Ash. I’m your blood, whether you like it or not and I’m on your side. All of us. We’re all on your side. We want you back on the track. You make the whole sport better when you’re behind the wheel but use your goddamn head. You’re not ready.”
“Say it again. I fucking dare you.”
“You’re. Not. Ready.”
He enunciated every word and I didn’t realize I was going to hit him until my fist flew through the air. Brax didn’t flinch. He didn’t duck. He took the punch square across the jaw.
I expected him to throw his own, but he didn’t. He swiped at the trickle of blood. The fact that he didn’t raise his hand to me pissed me off. I clocked him again.
He took it, this time letting blood trail down his nose to his lip.
Several of the guys who’d been working on engines and parts on the other side of the wall came rushing out, but Brax lifted a hand to hold them off.
“You can hit me all you want, Ash, but I’m not going to give you the fight you’re looking for. You need some help, and you need to stay off the track until you get it. You’re my family and I love you, but I’ll go to your father. I’ll go to the officials. I’ll go as high as I need to go to keep you from getting into a car until your head is on straight again. I won’t let you endanger any of us, including yourself.”
“Get out,” I ground out, angry with him, with myself, with Hale, with Helen, with my father, with the whole fucking world of racing. There was so much rage flowing through my blood, so much tension collecting in my muscles and no matter how hard I worked out, how hard I worked my body to get back into physical shape, to rebuild myself, it didn’t help. Nothing helped.
For every ounce that drained out of me, more filled the empty spaces.
I didn’t know what to do.
The longer it took, though, the longer it would take for me to get back on the race track. Brax wasn’t wrong about anything that he said. I didn’t like it, but he wasn’t wrong. Not even about doing what he needed to keep me out of a car.
Asking for help from Helen, showing up at the Troye house in the middle of the night, then punching Brax… Anger filled every pore of my being. It never let up. It was all-consuming.
My physical therapist once said the anger, the tension, the stress that I held in my body was part of the reason I wasn’t able to heal completely, that I risked injuring myself further.
With my body so tense, my reflexes weren’t sharp, my movements weren’t easy or natural, weren’t quick.
I didn’t know how to get around the fear and if I didn’t know how to get around the fear, I didn’t know how I was ever going to get my life back. If I couldn’t get my life back it meant that I wouldn’t ever be allowed in a race car again, and it meant my brain was somehow just as broken as my body was.
“Ash…”
“Get out, Brax. I mean it.”
“C’mon…”
“Get. The. Fuck. Out.” I yelled as loud as I could, loud enough that the wall beside me vibrated. It was those moments, the ones where the outbursts couldn’t be contained or controlled that scared the shit out of me. I didn’t know how to handle things when nothing was in my control. I’d never been through anything like this and it fucking scared me.
I hated it. I hated everything. I hated myself, the me I had become.
Almost more than I hated Hale.
Almost more than I wanted Helen.
No. That was a lie. I wanted Helen more. When I realized that just her being near calmed the noise inside me… It was why I asked her for help. It was why I went to her. I could have her and she would take me. I could fuck her and destroy her and take it all out on her and she’d still love me.
She hadn’t said it, but she hadn’t needed to say a word.
