Page 115 of Toxic Salvation
“What do you think?” asks Kovan.
Luka’s answer is confident. “I think she loves me like I’mherkid.”
Smart boy.
“Then trust your instincts, Luka. They’re rarely wrong.”
I wish I could see Luka’s face, but there’s a door between us. All I can make out are shadows cast by his moon lamp.
“Do you think things will change after the baby comes?” Luka asks quietly. “This baby is really her son.”
“Listen to me,malysh. I’m your uncle and I’ll always be your uncle. But that doesn’t change the fact that I think of you as my son, too. Having a baby doesn’t make you any less my kid. Vesper feels the same way.”
The room goes quiet. I can picture Luka’s face scrunched up in concentration, working through his complicated feelings. The only reason he’s asking so many questions is because he feels insecure about his place in our lives.
I hate that he has even the smallest doubt. I blame Yana for planting those seeds of insecurity.
“Would it be okay if I called Vesper ‘Mom’?”
My throat tightens.
“Do you want to?” Kovan asks. I assume Luka nods because Kovan continues, “Then you should. Vesper will be over the moon that you think of her that way. Call her whatever you want whenever you’re ready.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“It feels weird to call you Uncle Kovan when I call Vesper ‘Mom,’” Luka points out.
“It doesn’t have to be weird. I don’t need equal billing here. Especially because you had a great dad.”
“Yeah…”
“What’s wrong?”
I push the door open wider and slip into the room. It’s dark except for Luka’s moon lamp. They’re too absorbed in their conversation to notice me.
“Sometimes, I forget,” Luka admits softly. “I try to remember stuff about Dad, but I can’t think of anything. Even his laugh. I used to know exactly what it sounded like. Now, it’s fading away.”
Kovan sits stiffly. This conversation can’t be easy for him. “I have lots of videos of your dad,” he suggests. “How about we watch them together? It might help you remember.”
“That sounds good.”
He squeezes Luka’s shoulder. “Even if you forget your dad, it’s okay, Luka. He won’t hold it against you. Remembering how he laughed doesn’t really matter. What matters is remembering how he made you feel.”
“I knew he loved me.”
“Because he did.”
“I think I’m a bad son.”
I’m about to interrupt when Kovan speaks. “Why would you say that?”
“Because I wantyouto be my dad,” Luka admits. “It feels like you are my dad. Then I feel bad because if Dad knew, he’d feel sad.”
“Luka, your dad would have wanted you to be happy. He’d be glad you’re comfortable enough with me that you think of me as a second father. You can have two, you know. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. I’m happy to share you with your dad.”
Luka brightens. “So I can call you Dad if I want?”
