Page 83 of Toxic Salvation
Is he here to let me down easy? Or is he about to tell me he feels the same way?
“Thank you for telling me what you told me back at the park,” he starts, and my stomach drops. It sounds exactly like the opening line to a conversation that ends with‘it’s not you, it’s me.’“I have to say, I was surprised.”
I consider trying to walk back my comment. Maybe I can convince him I didn’t really mean what I said. Or that I meant something different. But no matter which way I slice it, it ends up cutting the same way.
I made myself vulnerable without knowing where he stands.
“I thought after what I told you about our fathers?—”
“I’m not going to judge you based on your father, Kovan,” I interrupt. “Just like I hope you won’t judge me based on mine.”
“Of course not.”
“What you told me… it wasn’t easy to hear,” I admit. “But it also has nothing to do with us. Not really.”
His expression gives nothing away. “No, you’re right. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still thepakhanof the Krayev Bratva. I may not want to profit off the organ trade, but thereare plenty of things I do profit off of. Plenty of things that some people might find unethical.”
“Do they involve hurting innocent people?”
“No.”
“Then I can deal with it.”
He raises his eyebrows, forehead creasing. “You can deal with it? Just like that?”
“No, not ‘just like that.’ Nothing about the last few months has been easy. But we met and we made a deal and somewhere along the way, it stopped being a deal and became personal.” I take a breath. “I know Luka’s not my kid, Kovan, but hefeelslike mine. I want to be part of his life. I want to be the mother he deserves.”
His eyes shimmer. “Even if we weren’t together, Vesper, I wouldn’t keep you from him. I know I did once and I’ll always regret that, but I’ve realized he only benefits from having you around. I’ll never make the same mistake again.”
I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now, but it feels a lot like heartburn.
“I-I see,” I mumble, getting to my feet. I desperately wish I had put some clothes on. I’m already vulnerable as hell right now. Being practically naked doesn’t help things one bit.
“Vesper—”
“No, it’s okay, Kovan,” I blurt out. I’m doing my best to keep a lid on my emotions until he’s out of my room and I can cry in peace. “I get it. You didn’t sign up for any of this. You told me before—you never wanted a long-term commitment and then I went and got pregnant and?—”
“Vesper.” He grabs me by the shoulders and spins me around. “I’m trying to tell you that I don’t want you to force yourself to be with me just because you think you’ll lose Luka. I’m telling you that, no matter what you decide, he’s going to be in your life.”
The tightness in my chest alleviates just a little. “Oh.” I take a deep breath, but the nerves still linger. “So, you’re not here to let me down easy?”
He snorts. “Of course not. I’m here to make sure you know you have options. Even if I don’t happen to like some of those options.”
My head starts to spin. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter that I’m half-naked or vulnerable or scared out of my mind that Kovan might not want me.
The only thing that matters is being brave.
“I choose you, Kovan,” I breathe. “I’ll admit, it took me a while to realize you’re what I want. But that’s because I was scared and nervous and not sure if I could be part of your world.”
“What’s changed?”
“I’ve seen how you are with Luka. I’ve seen what you’re willing to do for me. I have no doubt you’ll do anything for our baby. That’s what I want. That’s who I want as the father of my child. So I guess I realized that what I stand to gain is a hell of a lot more important than my fear.”
“You’re not wrong to be scared,” he agrees softly, looking down. “My world can be brutal and you’re not going to like a lot of it.”
“Maybe not. But I love you,” I confess. “And the rest, I can deal with.”
Kovan opens his mouth, but he doesn’t seem to know what to say.
