Page 136 of Toxic Temptation
My hand goes still in his hair. But Luka doesn’t notice—he’s already asleep, his grip on my hand loosening as his breathing evens out.
Mama.It’s not a word I ever thought would apply to me. It’s not even a word I wanted.
I wasn’t like other girls growing up. Hell, I wasn’t like the boys, either. I didn’t play house or have tea parties with stuffed animals. I never dreamed of becoming a mother because I had my sights set on something bigger.
I wasn’t going to be just another wife or mother—I was going to be adoctor. If that meant sacrificing my personal life, then so be it. I was more than willing to make that trade.
But sitting here, watching Luka’s peaceful face in sleep, I can’t help wondering if I chose wrong.
Maybe I sacrificed too much.
Maybe I didn’t think hard enough about what I was giving up.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
The questions multiply, spinning through my head until I’m dizzy with them. For so long, I always knew exactly where I was going. I always knew exactly what I wanted to be.
But now? Nothing feels certain anymore.
I’ve had the smallest taste of what it might be like to have a family. A partner. A child.
And suddenly, the life I thought I wanted feels like it will never be enough.
47
VESPER
“The answer is no.”
Waylen freezes in the doorway, his hand still on the handle. “I literally just walked in. I haven’t even said good morning.”
“Good morning, dear brother.” I don’t look up from dumping Fruit Loops into a bowl for Luka’s breakfast. “The answer is still no.”
“What the hell, V? I haven’t asked you anything.”
“But you’re about to.” I grab the Cheerios and add them to the colorful mess. “I can see it written all over your face. The Look.”
“What look?”
“The Look that says you want me to do something I absolutely will not do.” I brandish the cereal box at him like a weapon. “So let’s just skip the part where you ask and cut straight to the no. Sing it with me: You say‘hell,’I say‘no’!”
Waylen rolls his eyes and slides into a bar stool. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“You’rebeing ridiculous,” I shoot back in my best high-pitched, bratty voice.
“Christ, V. You look like a grown woman. Try acting like one.”
“Depends on the situation.”
He reaches for the bowl I just made for Luka and takes a spoonful.
“Hey!” I snatch it away. “That’s for Luka.”
“Luka’s glued to the TV watching some documentary about black holes. He won’t notice if you feed him cardboard.” Waylen chases the bowl as I move it out of reach. “Is there more milk?”
“Touch that milk and I’ll pour the entire carton over your head.”
“Jesus. Who pissed in your coffee this morning?”
