Page 28 of Chasing After You
I adjust my weight on the board to turn sideways a bit. “You gonna tell me?”
“Nah, I’ll let them do that.” He grins. The stars dance in his eyes, reminding me of the impish boy he once was. “Be more entertaining that way.”
I smile, taking in the sight of him, reveling in the feeling of talking and laughing and just being. Once upon a time, lifewas always like this. Always the two of us taking in the world together. Observing it. Contemplating it. Entertained by it. Sometimes at war with it. But always,alwaysit was the two of us in it together
“So, you’re really not with anyone?” I ask, suddenly finding I need to hear the words.
He shakes his head. “I’m not with anyone.”
I sigh. In the last few hours, I’ve gone from thinking I was in a good place, at peace with how things ended, to being in a place of panic when that ending suddenly felt more final than I was prepared for. And then to some twisted newfound trajectory of lies and fake relationships, only to come around to relief in realizing the end hasn’t come to pass yet after all.
Maybe it’s time we finally find out if it ever will.
I jump down from the fence abruptly, spinning around to face him as soon as my feet hit the grass. “I want to try something. You up for it?”
He doesn’t even think about it. “Yes.”
“Come on then,” I nod for him to climb the fence and join me on my side.
“You want me to come in there?” He peers past me, seeking out the pasture’s inhabitants.
“Would you relax?” I laugh at him. “The nearest horse is halfway across the field. If they were going to bother with us, they’d have wandered over this way ages ago.”
“Fine.” He puts a foot on the first board and pushes up. “But if anyone changes their mind and decides to come at us, you better protect me.” He swings his other leg over, joining me inside the pasture a second later.
“I will guard you with my life,” I promise.
“Just from horses,” he clarifies. “I reserve the right to be the hero should any other threats arise on this outing.”
“I’m good with that.”
We both nod as if sealing the pact.
“Where are we going?” he whispers, apparently still afraid he’ll draw attention from the horses if he makes too much noise. Rest assured, they’re well aware of our presence already.
“You’ll see.” Provided I can find it again in the dark.
We walk side by side, cutting straight through the big field. I must catch myself reaching for his hand about a hundred times, always stopping myself before my fingers can stretch far enough to find his. Two years it’s been since I’ve held this man’s hand, and still, it feels more unnatural to be walking without the weight of his palm against mine than it would to entwine my fingers with his.
When we reach the opposing fence line, we climb over it same as the last, bringing us to a dirt path separating the pasture we just crossed from another. I pause for a moment to get oriented, turning left and then right, trying to make out what lies ahead in either direction. It takes a decent stare before the shape reveals itself in the shadows cast by the nearing tree line, but there’s an undeniable structure to the left.
“Right, it is,” I mumble, starting to move again.
“You don’t actually know where you’re taking me, do you,” Matti remarks, walking so close behind me, I can feel the air move with the sway of his arms.
“I have a basic idea.” It’s the closest he’s getting to an admission. Though, to be honest, it’s very possible I’m leading us in circles in the dark.
A few steps more and the stone walkway leading into the surrounding woods I was hoping to find at the end of this dirt path comes into view. “Ha! I knew I wasn’t getting us lost.”
“And yet, the way you said that makes me think you didn’t really know that at all.” He moves to my side; I’m guessing to get a better look at what’s ahead. “How deep into this forest are we going? Because I’m in flip-flops.”
I shrug. “That didn’t seem to cause you much concern while you were traipsing through manure a minute ago.”
“There wasn’t any –” He stops short of finishing his sentence, understanding dawning on him. “Fuck.” He scowls, twitching his nose as he casts a bitter glare down to his feet and what may or may not be caked on them right now.
“You thought it was just dirt.” It’s hard not to laugh, but I hold it in. Mostly.
“That is what I usually wind up with on my feet when I walk in flip-flops through a large, grassy area.”
