Page 38 of Chasing After You
“I told him I wanted to try something out, and I asked him if he was game.”
Vale almost rolls his eyes again. Just almost. “Of course, he was game.”
“Of course.” I smile. Matti’s willingness to go on adventures has always been one of his best traits. “So, I dragged him through the pasture – “
“A pasture with horses?”
I grin. “Yep.”
“Damn.” He looks like he’s about to say more, but he stops himself. Instead, he turns it back over to me, “Go on. You were saying. Through the pasture. Past the horses.”
“And to the fire pits.” I let the blanket slide down from my head and let it drape over my shoulders. It did a surprisingly superb job soaking up some of the excess water. “Matti lit a fire. And then I asked him to sing to me.” I wait. Knowing Vale, he will have some comment to make here.
“Sing to you. As in, the song he wrote for you. The one he sang to you on your first date. And then again at your wedding. And probably at a million other intimate milestones between you two along the way. That’s what you asked him to sing to you.”
“Yes.”
He nods, making a face like he’s still holding back. “Just checking.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, Vale. It’s rude. Especially when people can tell you’re doing it.”
“Fine,” he groans. “I just think it’s a little shitty, you are asking him to sing that song to you. That’s all.”
“Why?”
“Why?Ness, you wanted to hear that song because you’re confused about how you feel, and you wanted a piece of something familiar to bring you comfort. But he’s not confused. So, what do you suppose singing that song to you felt like for him?”
“How do you know he’s not confused?” And not confused in which way? As in he knows he still wants me? Or he knows the relationship we had is dead and gone?
“He’s not confused,” Vale just reiterates sternly. “Trust me on this. The dude has never wavered in his feelings for you.”
“My feelings haven’t ever wavered either, Vale,” I remind him.
“Then I don’t get it. If you still love the man, why aren’t you with him?”
I used to have an answer to this question. One that made sense to me, even if I knew no one else would understand. But after tonight, after what I now know - “Because...”
“What?” Vale looks at me, a sad, but expectant look in his eyes, like he already knows the answer but wants to hear that I know it too.
“Me.” I feel as if I collapse a little inside myself. “I got screwed up, and then I screwed us up.”
“No.” Vale shakes his head, a softness returning to his expression. “Wrong answer.”
“You don’t know, you weren’t there.”
He leans forward, locking his eyes on mine. “I know you. And if it were as simple as having made a mistake, you’d have owned it and gone back and fixed things.”
“Maybe it wasn’t the sort of thing I could go back and fix.” Even if I thought I could have back then, I didn’t want to. And now that I think I might want to, I’m not so sure I could. “Maybe breaking someone’s heart, the heart of the one person who has loved you more thoroughly, more profoundly, more patiently than any one person could dare hope to be loved, you don’t get to go back and try and fix it. You show them mercy. Allow them their healing in peace.”
“God, you’re a martyr,” he groans. “You can’t really believe all that shit.”
“It’s not shit!” It takes everything I have not to scream. It suddenly feels like my heart is a hornet’s nest and Vale just accidentally bumped into it. All the stingers were sleeping and now – “I ruined us, Vale. I ruined us on a whim. Because I felt forgotten. And I wasn’t.” The truth of this revelation washes over me in waves so heavy, I find it hard to catch my breath. “I turned down that yoga job when they offered it to me. I turned it down. Until Matti missed his call with me. And something inside me flipped, convinced I didn’t matter. And I needed to find ways to matter to myself again.” I bite down on my lip until it hurts. “Only he didn’t forget. He was planning a trip for us. A trip to bewith me. A special, romantic trip for the two of us. That’s why he missed the call with me.”
“What difference does it make?” Vale reaches out in an attempt to comfort me, but I pull away before he can wrap me into a hug.
