Page 48 of Chasing After You
“You good, partner?” Frank asks when I haven’t moved or spoken in who knows how long.
“Oh, yeah.” I nod, a little too frantically for my own liking. “I’m good. I’m good.” And now I’m repeating myself. All signs I’m losing my shit right here in front of everyone.
I take a breath and try to center myself. When I can’t gain any distance from my rambling thoughts by going within, I do the only other thing I can think of. I start to hum. The first song that comes to mind is a new one Knox played for me just the other day. We worked on it a solid morning while stuck on the bus, working out the instrumental elements.
Guess that’s why it’s still stuck in my head now.
In any event, music seems to do the trick for both of us, because I’m calming down and the horse suddenly finds me of interest.
I hate to admit it, but this end of the horse, with his soft nose and curious eyes, isn’t nearly as terrifying as I always imagined it. This dude isn’t scary at all. Hell, I think I may even like him.
“You going to be cool if I put this on your head?” I ask him, holding up the halter. He gives it a good sniff and then practically drops his face into it. “I see you’ve done this before.” I laugh quietly to myself, fixing the strap with the buckle before I pat his neck.
“Look who suddenly became a cowboy,” Nessa teases from behind me. For a moment there, I nearly forgot we had an audience.
“Nice work,” Frank seems to agree with the sentiments. He hands me a lead rope and points to the aisle. “Why don’t you go ahead and bring him out and I can give everyone a quick lesson on grooming and tacking up to ride.”
“I believe you mentioned there would be a reward?” I tip my head toward Jasper. “You’re not going to make a liar out of me in front of the horse, are you? We just barely started building this trust between us.”
Frank grins. This time at least, I feel like I’m in on the joke. “This is the reward. You get to ride him. And Jasper gets to go out on the trail.”
I’m not sure it’s the treat I was hoping for. On the other hand, I don’t mind not having to meet another horse today. Nope, don’t mind it one bit. Even if I do recall the words ‘wild’ and ‘testing the rules’ being mentioned during our initial introduction to Jasper. I suppose we have those things in common.
“I’m good with that reward,” I mumble, mostly to the horse. “You cool with that too, bud?”
I’m not sure what sort of reaction I’m expecting from him, but Jasper practically nods his head in response. I’m guessinghe’s really just trying to free his head from my grip to get back to his hay, but I’ll take it as his ‘yes’ either way.
“We’re good,” I tell Frank, finally taking the rope from him.
Hooking the clasp to the halter is easy enough. Walking side by side with the horse does stir up a new bout of anxiety. It’s hard not to notice the massive amount of power moving directly beside you. Kind or not, one wrong move from either one of us and his weight alone could do me in.
“I’m sure it’s not as dramatic as you’re making it out to be,” Nessa whispers as we go by, tapping a finger to her own head as if she’s been reading my mind.
It’s both comforting and unnerving how she can still do that.
Thankfully, I only have a few steps to take before I hand Jasper over to Frank for the lesson and forge a direct path back to the last row of our little group huddle.
“Not bad, Benning,” Nessa mumbles, smirking at me. “You’d think after nearly thirty years, it’d be impossible for you to impress me, but it seems that’s not the case.”
“Trust me, there’s plenty more where that came from.” I wink at her. Mostly, because it usually makes her laugh and I could do with a lighter energy after facing off with a fear I’ve harbored nearly all my life.
This time, however, she stays silent.
NESSA
Matti has winked at me hundreds of times over the years. It’s always been silly. I’ve always cracked up at the sight. Today when he does it, something is different. I can’t put my finger on it, but something between the butterflies suddenly raging at the pit of my stomach and an instant desire to throw myself at him, lips crushing into his on impact, suggests the cheese factor has disappeared.
“We better pay attention to Frank.” I almost cough trying to get the words out. My voice still feels strangled, this unexpected wave of emotions leaving me damn near breathless.
“Good thinking.” Matti faces the front, but I can see him continue to glance my way out of the corner of his eyes. I do my best to ignore it.
I still fail, but as it’s my best, there’s nothing I can do about it.
Whatever lessons in grooming and saddles and bridles we’re taught, go in one ear and out the other, my brain never catching even a word, too busy trying to sort out everything that’s transpired in the last twenty-four hours. And more importantly, what I’m hoping the next twenty-four will bring.
Could Matti and I really be headed for a second chance? The thought alone is enough to make me want to break into a happy dance, grooving my way from one end of this barn to the other. But it also kind of terrifies me.
If Vale is right, if Matti is all in with me, with us, while I’m still straddling the line between what I wish for and what I think is possible, is it fair to even entertain the notion? To risk Matti’s heart a second time?
