Page 64 of Chasing After You
I want to argue with him. Want to tell him he’s crazy. That there’s nothing else.
But when my mouth opens, the words that spill out are, “I hated you.” I suck in a loud gust of air through my tears and the confession I’ve held deep inside my heart, too ashamed to say out loud. “The night we ended things out in that parking lot, watching you walk away from me, it broke something inside me. I still loved you, but for the first time ever, I hated you too. Hated you for being able to just walk away without so much as looking back. And I know it’s crazy, and completely unfair because I’m the one who left, but damn it, Matti,I’m the one who had to watch you leave.Like it meant nothing. Like it was easy.”
“You think it was easy?” he roars with a pain so raw I’m caught completely off guard by it. “Ness, I’ve never waged war with my own body like I did that night just forcing one foot in front of the other. It hurt so fucking bad, I thought my own goddamn feelings would strangle me before I made it back to the bus. And I didn’t look back, because I knew there was no way in hell, I’d be able to turn away from you a second time. And I had to turn away from you, Ness. After all the times you put my dreams first, how could I possibly deny you?”
“I know it’s insane,” I stammer, caught somewhere between grief and anger. “Believe me, I know. I know how much I hurt you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you more. Why do you think I kept it to myself all this time?”
“Trying to hide it from me was never going to make it go away, Ness.”
I shake my head. “That’s the thing.” I close my eyes, letting another sob rattle through me. “I’m not sure anything will ever make it go away.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MATTI
“No matter how much I try, I just can’t shake the image of you walking away,” she whispers through clenched teeth. “And every time I see it, I hate you for it.” For a moment, I’m not sure which of us she hates most. Me, for abandoning her like it was nothing, or her for believing it.
“Want a new image?” I ask her quietly, closing my eyes and going back to memories I’ve tried just as hard to forget. Though, for different reasons. “I barely made it on the bus that night. I stumbled going up the two steps in. Collapsed to my knees the second the door closed behind me.” I clear my throat trying to free my voice from the onslaught of emotions. “Ask Knox. He’s the one who had to help me up and drag my ass over to the sofa. Jason and Cass were there too. I remember Cass started crying just looking at me.” I open my eyes again to find her looking at me, tears rolling down her cheeks again. This time in silence. The sobs are absent. These tears fall in peace.
“I had no idea,” she breathes.
“Of course not.” I tilt my head forward until my forehead rests on her soft hair. “You weren’t supposed to. If you’d known, you’d only have put me first again.” I reach my hand up to twirl around one of her wavy, blonde strands. “I don’t even care that you hated me then. Maybe you needed to hate me to let us go long enough to make room for you.” I swallow down the fear burning my throat. “But please don’t hate me now. How can I help you not hate me now?”
Her hand finds my chest and she applies pressure, pushing me back into the sand, her body following along with mine. “Hold me.” She nestles in against me, half on my chest, half at my side, her head resting over my heart.
At first, I freeze, afraid to move and upset some invisible boundary between us I can’t see but am certain must exist after all we’ve admitted here tonight. But as she continues to sink into me, her heart beating in rhythm with my pulse, I shut down my brain and follow my own advice for once. No more thinking. Just feeling.
My arms wrap around her, one leg folds over hers, and we lie here. Just us. Real. Unguarded. And anchored. In everything we were. Everything we are today. And every last hope of what we could still become.
NESSA
Feeling him like this, all the truth laid out between us, all the ugly on display, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.
And there’s only one thing I know to do to give him what he’s given me, to truly heal the wound I’ve let fester. It’s to share something with him, something I’ve kept to myself for over twenty years.
Now, darlin’ let me share with you all that’s in my heart
‘cause it’s time you know, what I want from you, is for us to never part
He tenses in surprise at the sound of my singing, and I reach my arm around his chest and squeeze it gently, hugging him closer before I go on, placing a kiss directly on his heart before I do.
You might think I’m foolish, too young to know my heart
So, I gotta say it now, boy, I’m ready for our life to start.
Baby, you’re my first thought, every single morning
And once I think that first thought of you boy, yeah, they just keep on comin’
Like how you make me brave now, no fears at all now
Then your love it frees my mind, makes me seek until I find
Loving you’s the stars and the moon and the sun
Darlin’, you’re the one
Darlin’ won’t you trust in me, let me hold your heart in mine
