Page 35 of Damnation
“Okay, I see the baby’s head, Sarah. Ready…push!”
I do as she says, gritting my teeth as I push.
“Good job, Mama!” Dorothy says in a way that makes me smile.
I look at her tiredly as Elizabeth speaks once more.
“Again.”
Taking a deep breath, I push with everything inside of me, relief filling me as I feel the baby leave my body as a cry fills the jail. Euphoria overtakes me as I laugh, Elizabeth handing the baby to me before resting it upon my chest. Elizabeth continues tending to me as I focus on my sweet baby girl.
“Mercy,” I whisper as I look upon her. “My little Mercy.”
“I like that name, Mama,” Dorothy says as she reaches out, touching the baby gently with an awe inspired smile that rivals my own.
“Me too,” I say as I look to Elizabeth.
She nods and smiles at me. “You did well, and the placenta followed her easily. Much joy to you all.”
“Many thanks, Elizabeth,” I say, holding my hand out for hers.
She smiles, taking my hand and squeezing it. Mercy begins to fuss in my arms, but I do not mind, for this moment is perfect.
I fell asleep, and the blame rests solely upon me. I rested Mercy beneath my dress to provide her as much protection from the cold as I was able, but it wasn’t enough. When I woke from my rest, I pressed my lips to her forehead and found her cold and stiff. Her pale pink lips had turned blue, and her soft body was now unmoving. With the help of Elizabeth, we tried to revive her, but she had already been gone for too long. I haven’t it in me to put her down, though. I fear if I do, I’ll never be able to breathe once more.
The jail door is suddenly thrown open, two pairs of footsteps rushing down the hall before stopping upon us. The early morning sun is beginning to peek out and welcome the new day. A joyous start, though nothing in the world feels joyous anymore.
A frantic Thomas fills my vision as the young jailer opens the gate.
“Did I miss the birth?” he asks as he rushes to me.
I stare up at him, not able to feel a thing as a tear falls from my eyes.
“Yes.”
“Where is the baby?” he asks, his head moving around before he takes a closer look at my arms. A smile fills his face for a moment before understanding comes to follow.
“Why does it not move?”
Guilt, anger, rage, heartache. They all swirl inside me as I attempt to comprehend how to speak of what has happened, what has occurred because of the conditions we are in. Because I was forced here. Because of him.
“Dead,” I grit through clenched teeth, shaking as I do.
Horror strikes his face as he looks upon her and me, shaking his head in disbelief. He stands to his feet as he begins pacing the cell, digging his fingers through his hair as he mumbles to himself.
“No, no, no, no! ‘Tis not how it should have been! Was it born as so?”
“No,” Elizabeth says from the corner. “She appeared fine. We fell asleep, and she…did not wake.”
“She?” Thomas asks, tears filling his eyes as he looks upon me.
“Twas a girl. Mercy,” I say, as the pain in my chest slowly eases, only leaving room for resentment and rage.
“Mercy,” he whispers beneath his breath, shaking his head in reverence.
Carefully, he bends down beside me to take a closer look. When he does, his fingertips graze against her cold skin before a pained cry escapes him. His sobs are rough and without care for the audience that grows among us. Something about his cries loosens something inside of me as I feel more tears roll down my cheek.
Thomas attempts to wrap his arms around me, but I do not allow it, for why should I comfort him when he turned his back upon us? Had it not been for his betrayal, she would not have been born in such conditions. We could have had a doctor, a warm bed. She could have lived. Her death hangs upon his head, as it does on my own. He will not receive a bit of comfort from me for the rest of my days, however few there may be.
