Page 14 of The Note
“No.” I shook my head.
“Christ.Yes!” Gus’s voice turned pleading. “He’s marrying—”
“No! No, that’s not it. I mean Ialreadygave him up. Or—” I slashed the air with my hand. “I never had him. I don’t know. I don’t know which is worse.”
Gus sighed. “Tyler—”
“I would never ruin their wedding, Gus,” I said, the words miserably close to a whine. “Come on. Really? You know I helped them plan the whole thing. I… Itasted cake.”
“I know,” Gus conceded. “Alex was texting me about it earlier this week. He thinks you’re the coolest friend ever, being there for Marissa through all this.”
I huffed out a half-laugh that was more like a sob and wrapped my arms around myself. It was amazing how blind I’d let myself be. I’d spent the whole night staring at Alex with new eyes, wondering how I could ever have believed that our friendship was love. But even so, the truth stung.
“Did you ever want something to be true so badly, you convinced yourself it was?” I whispered. “It’s like… it’s like those people who used to believe the earth was flat, you know? Look at this perfectly flat field!” I swept out a hand. “Why, obviously if we walk to the end, we’ll justfall off the earth into the moon, right?” I ran a hand over my mouth. “It sounds so dumb. Like, how could anyone ever believe that? But some people did. Some people still do. Some people light themselves on fire and start wars because of the stuff they believe, and we’re like, ‘Oh my God, that’s insane,’ but it’s actually kind of sad, because something inside them must really need tobelievethe thing they believe in so badly that they lose all sense of reality. You know?”
Gus blinked at me like I was speaking in tongues. “Tyler, baby, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about right now.”
“Faith!” I told him. “Blind faith and… Wait, did you just call me baby?”
“Um…”
“Never mind.” I shook my head. The cold and the wine were obviously attacking my brain. “I’ve been an idiot, and it just kind of hit me all at once tonight how dumb I am. I believed in something when I should have known better.” I sniffed. “I wasn’t gonna ruin the rehearsal dinner intentionally. But I probably would have done it inadvertently. So, thanks, Dr. Fletcher, for the quick thinking.”
I exhaled a cloud of breath and shivered. “Guess I should be getting back to the bed and breakfast. I’ll, uh… apologize to everyone tomorrow. And apparently write a poem for my speech. Yay.”
Gus sighed, like he was letting go of the last of his anger and moved to my side, wrapping an arm around my waist.
“I’m sorry, Tyler. I know this isn’t easy for you and Idoknow you’d never do anything to ruin their wedding,” he admitted.
His huge frame — well, huge in comparison to my lean five-six — acted as a windbreak and a space heater, and I was so tired, suddenly, I couldn’t help but step even closer, curling myself under his arm and leaning my head on his chest just for a minute.
I sighed, relaxing. “How does this weather not kill you, California boy?”
Gus chuckled, a rumble beneath my cheek. “Who said it didn’t? I’ve been freezing since I stepped off the plane.”
“And yet, here you are, standing in the middle of a field with me,” I pointed out, burying my nose beneath the edge of his suit jacket, because he wasright there, and even though we’d never stood like this before, I knew he wouldn’t mind.
“Yeah.” He snorted, like he couldn’t believe it either. “Here I am.”
Gus smelled like musk and sage andhome, which was a teensy bit fucked up because neither my Brooklyn walk-up nor Brenda’s house had ever smelled like this.
“You’ve only been back four times in three years,” I accused, like maybe he wouldn’t remember. “And I only saw youoneof those, at Christmas two years back. The day…”
“Marissa and Alex got engaged? Yeah, well. Medical residents don’t exactly get their pick of holidays.”
“So? You’venevercome to visit me in the cityat all. Not even for a weekend. Any time of year.” I hadn’t realized how much that bothered me until just then. “And I’m still waiting for my invitation to San Diego.”
Gus said nothing, so I whacked him lightly in the stomach. “This is the part where you say,I’m sorry I got so busy living my big, important life in California that I forgot all about my little friend Tyler. Go on,” I prompted, when he remained silent. “Say it.”
Gus shook his head. “Is that what you think? That I forgot you? Dumbass. Who was texting me spoilers last night for thatMagnificent Centuryshow you got me sucked into, because he justhadto get an episode ahead and couldn’t wait? Hmm? Because the guy in the picture next to your name looked an awful lot like you.”
“Not a dumbass.” I shrugged. “And I know we text and talk and stuff. But it’s just not quite the same.”
“The same as what, Tyler?” There was an edge to Gus’s voice and I didn’t like it. I’d been hoping it would be another eight years before he got mad at me again.
“The same as being, you know, together. Like, physically. I miss that.”
“Together physically.” Gus’s voice was strangled. “You can’t miss something you’ve never had, Tyler, andthathasneverhappened.”
