Page 76 of The Secret
“Since when doyoukeep secrets, big brother?” I demanded. But what I really wanted to know was why I’d never seen this side of him before, and how we’d grown so far apart without me even realizing it. We had breakfast on a weekly basis, but I guess maybe we didn’t talk about the right things. The important things.
“Constantine, really. If I told you or Theo that Daniel and I were hanging out, you’d tell Mama.”
I snorted, because Julian had absolutely no idea just how much I kept from our mother on an hourly basis. Like the fact that I’d woken up in Micah’s bed this morning and, since Theo had taken over my shift at the farmer’s market and the weatherman had predicted a washout for the afternoon that would cancel all my landscaping jobs, I was planning to spend the rest of the day in the back room at Blooms, watching Micah work. Or like the fact that my mother had conveniently heard from someone at Marybeth’s Salon and Spa that I was dating a girl over in Rushton I’d never evenmetbefore, and I hadn’t attempted to correct her because it was way more convenient for her to think this unknown woman was the reason I didn’t make it home most nights.
“No, don’t make that face,” Julian said. “You totally would. Not intentionally, maybe, but it would have slipped out. And youknowthe next time she was pissed at Theo and telling him to be more like me, he’d totally have thrown it out there.”
I pursed my lips. Julian had no clue who I was. Not really. And I was pretty sure he didn’t know Theo all that well either. It was kind of sad.
But then he whispered, “I just wanted something to be…mine,” and I had to take a deep breath becauseoh yeah. I gotthat. Parallel lives, right down to the lies.
Right down to the utter impossibility of telling the truth.
I scratched my chin. “Not gonna bejustyoursanymore.” Which was exactly what would happen if I told my mother about Micah. Even though keeping it a secret was getting harder and harder by the day.
I’d started consciously subduing my happiness whenever I walked into the Ross Landscaping office or sat down for dinner, just so my mother wouldn’t get suspicious and call me on it, and I wouldn’t have to lie outright. What kind of a life was that?
And when did a secret become a lie?
Julian sighed. “Daniel’s going to bepissed.”
I snickered. “You don’t think he’s gonna enjoy having folks speculate about when you two will get married or what you’ll name your kids?” He looked horrified, so I added, “I’m kidding. People aren’t likely to talk to him. I know Si and Everett like him, but he’s not exactly friendly.”
“You’ve got to tell people to stay quiet,” Julian begged. He flopped down into one of the plastic chairs in his waiting area. “Just for now.”
Hilarious. Did Julian really think anyone in the whole world listened to me?
“I can try. But they’re gonna be more eager than ever to know what makes him so specialtheDoctor Julian Ross is dating him, when no one even knew the dude was gay.” Just like everyone would want to know what the fuckMicah Bloomsaw in an immature idiot like Constantine Ross. “They’re gonna want to know how you got together, and whether it’s serious. And that’s just the people in town. Mama is… God. She’s gonna birth kittens when she hears.” I wasn’t sure whether I was talking about Julian’s secret or mine. Maybe both.
“I know.”
“Like, she’s not gonna know whether to give you her pissed-off face or her disappointed face or her you-made-me-cry face. She’s gonna tell you Dad would be rolling in his grave.” I shuddered. “It’s gonna bebiblical.” It would be like my worst teenaged disappointments all over again.
Ugh.
“Thank you, Constantine. I’m aware.”
I snapped out of it long enough to blink at him, to really see all his annoyance and fear, all his worry about what it would mean to disappoint Mama. Julian, for all his maturity and fuckingprofessionalism, had no clue what it would be like.
“Nah, bro. Youthinkyou know,” I said, not without sympathy. “But you’ve always been her favorite. Hell, you’ve always been thistown’sfavorite. Take it from Constantine-the-Hellion, the higher you are, the harder you fall. People are still talking about shit I did in high school.”
People still thought I was that guy. Mama forsurethought I was still that guy.
“I haven’t done anything wrong,” Jules insisted, like I was gonna condemn him or something.
I laughed. “Yeah, I doubt Mama will see it that way. But listen to me.” I grabbed at his wrist. “When she gives you shit, and she will, push back. Hear me?”
It was a lesson I’d learned really, stupidly late. As in,two fucking months ago. I’d sort of expected some negative fallout from her regarding the way we’d left things after the fair and… nothing. She’d gone on as if nothing had happened. And I sure as hell wasn’t gonna push the issue.
“Yeah. Okay.” Julian practically rolled his eyes.
“I’m serious, Jules. You know how much I love her, but Mama will smother you if you let her.”
“Easy for you to say. You’ve done your own thing all your life, but I…”
Done my own thing?Was that really how Julian looked at it? He sounded almostadmiring, and how fucked wasthat? He’d gotten it totally ass-backward.Hewas the one who’d done his own thing, going after the career he wanted, moving out of the house like he wanted, never feeling like he owed someone the very breath in his lungs because he’d screwed up so badly.
For a second, it was on the tip of my tongue to tell him just how wrong he was, but then I saw his eyes—the same blue my dad had shared with all three of his sons—and I realized just how badly he was freaking out.
