Page 38 of On the Run
“But surely you must have some idea.”
“Well, I mean, he’s the person who’s supposed to fit perfectly with me, so I’m guessing we’d share the same interests—”
He nodded. “Birds. Boats. Vegan burritos. That’s reasonable.”
“Yep. And yoga. Maybe crystals. Reading. Beach walks. Nature Center.”
“Beach walks are good,” Toby approved. He reached for a reusable water bottle in the cooler and uncapped it.
“He’d probably be a Capricorn—that means born in January—”
“Ah, and here I am, a May baby.” Toby pouted, and I smiled a little.
“And we’d talk, I guess. I’d be able to talk to him about anything—my day, the meaning of life. We’d watch movies and discuss ’em. Basic stuff, really.”
“Movie discussion sounds good, too.” He sipped the water. “Like what movies? What was the last movie you saw you wished you could discuss?”
“Hmm.Saw, I guess.”
Toby choked on his water, then glared at me while he thumped his own chest. “Saw? Are you fucking kidding me? I was thinkingShawshank RedemptionorSophie’s Choiceor something. What is there to discuss aboutSaw? ‘Which sequel madeyoupee your pants most, soul mate? Wow, me too! We have so much in common!’”
I laughed out loud. “Come on.Sawwasn’t that scary! The bad guy wasn’t even reallybad. Most of the people he hurt were genuinely terrible, and the goal was to teach them a lesson, so in a way—”
“Lemme stop you right there, Beale, my sweetie pie, my honey bunch. You said yourself, he’s the bad guy. The. Bad. Guy. Not the morally ambiguous gent. Not the misunderstood dude. He’s the villain, so by his very nature, he is bad. And this bad guy is, like, the baddest of the bad.”
“So says the man who doesn’t believe in absolutes.”
Toby gaped at me for a minute. “In real life I generally don’t,” he finally said snottily. “But fictional bad guys are fictional. Andbad. You cannot argue with them or rationalize them. When people are mean to you, your only choice is to get away from them and save yourself.” He sounded like he was speaking to a toddler. “That’s a free life lesson for you, right there.”
“Nope. I disagree. Take yourTitanicmovie, there. Rose—”
“Oh my God, no! Don’t even try it. Billy Zane is soulless and corrupt, and represents capitalist greed and profligate—”
“Toby, listen to yourself! The man’s girlfriend, who was only marrying him for his money, had car sex with another dude. Wouldn’tyoube cranky? He just has a passionate nature.”
“He chases them with a gun while the boat is sinking! No, no, go back to your Virgo ‘I’m not gonna try to convince you’ schtick, because you’ll never win me over! You’re probably one of those people who’d try to redeem Darth fucking Vader—”
“You mean poor Anakin, who only joined the Dark Side to protect his wife and babies?”
Toby laughed so hard his eyes crinkled at the corners, which was… really damn attractive.
“Motive matters, that’s all I’m saying!” I laughed, too. “That’s what Aunt Hagatha would tell you.”
Toby’s smile evaporated, and he blinked at me like he could think of no comeback to something this stupid. I felt my face go red. Again.
At least out here I could blame the sun.
“Aaaand I guess now you see why people tend to give me shit about my weird opinions, whether it’s about crystals or horoscopes or whatever, huh?” I tried to smile.
Toby didn’t respond except to rock with the motion of the boat, but when I darted a glance down, he swallowed hard. “You know, you missed the most important thing about your soul mate.”
“Did I?”
“You have to be sexually compatible.”
“Oh. Well, yeah. Obviously.” I frowned. “I mean, how could we not be?”
“Beale, angel.” Toby shook his head sadly. “There are lots and lots of ways to be sexually incompatible. As inlots. But like, most obviously… what if you don’t find him attractive?”
