Page 91 of Pick Me
In fact, I was pretty sure I needed some of Dr. Travers’s breathing exercises, stat. Wouldn’t it be just my luck to have a panic attack over a revelation like this?
“I’ve gotta go,” I told Jack, and then I strode… half jogged… full-outranfor my truck, needing to get back to the orchard and Gage immediately.
Gage cared about mea lot.
I mean, I knew that.
I’d known that.
Of course I did.
He showed it time and time again in the way he’d always turnedtowardme no matter what, the way he’d made himself vulnerable to me, the way he’d smiled and teased and laughed and shared his joy with me. But after talking to Jack, it felt like clouds in my mind had blown off, leaving the bright, shining truth staring me in the face.
Gage cared about me…a lot. And what had I done for Gage?
Gage had wanted to be friends. I’d denied him.
Gage had wanted me. I’d come up with every excuse to keep him at a distance.
Gage had called me his boyfriend. I’d blown it off.
Gage had been honest and open with me… and I’d given him lies and technicalities, half-baked justifications and rationalizations.
Gage lived his life honestly and fearlessly. He’d befriended my nephew and helped my brother, he’d gotten to know nearly everyone in Little Pippin Hollow personally, and helikedthem—even the ones who cheated at pumpkin carving.
He was smart. He was kind. He was brave as fuck, because he knew the risks of loving unreservedly and he took them anyway.
And I loved him.
I felt a thrill of fear that was all out of proportion to those three little words, but I didn’t step back from it.
Because loving him wasn’t something I should fuckinghidelike it was a terrible secret that would burden him. It didn’t have to be a burden at all unless I made it one. It didn’t have to come with strings unless I tied them on myself. And it didn’t have to end in disaster, even though, like Jack said, Webb had been conditioned to think of it that way…
And so had I.
Because I’d watched the same poor examples of relationships he had. I’d watched as my dad had been heartbroken twice and while Amanda had not only left Webb, but abandoned her own son.
Love did end in disaster. At least… at least that was what I seemed to have internalized somehow.
This realization was terrifying, though. Which was real? Were those examples the right ones—that love really was mostly destructive and cruel—or were those anomalies? Was true love actually possible? And if so…
If so, could I have it with Gage Goodman, the most amazing, annoying, adorable, snarktastic, stupid T-shirt–wearing, cowphobic sweetheart to ever walk the earth?
As I drove down the twisty mountain road toward the orchard, I could hear Gage’s voice in my head asking me why I was so scared to be happy. I’d denied it, because in some areas Iwashappy—things like work and casual friendships. The things I could control.
But when it came to the things that mattered more—thepeoplewho mattered more—I was a chickenshit because I had no control at all. So I’d tried to pretend that living away from the Hollow all these years was the practical choice, just like I’d tried to pretend that keeping things casual with Gage was the smart choice.
And Jesus Christ, all those months of therapy and I hadn’t made a breakthrough this huge, but one cup of coffee in Jack’s house of ruin had done the trick. Or maybe it was Gage who’d done it, by showing me over and over that love and friendship weren’t zero-sum games.
I loved him. I repeated the words to myself, and it was easier this time. It feltgood.
And Gage deserved to know it. Even if he didn’t feel the same. Even if he left Little Pippin Hollow eventually anyway. He was a miracle who’d appeared in my life out of nowhere. And he made me want to have faith in something for the first time in a long time.
The drive home felt a billion times longer than it should have, even though the roads were mostly empty. The first flakes had begun to fall, and though none were sticking to the roads yet, the trees with their slightly faded foliage were getting iced over. The storm seemed to be coming in a lot faster than predicted, and I was really hoping Gage would be amenable to just taking a snow day to lie in my bed and watch the flakes fall through the window.
I realized giddily that he probably hadn’t ever had a snow day growing up. I wanted to spend his first one with him.
I pulled into the gravel area right outside the gift shop barn and parked the truck haphazardly. Webb had done the smart thing and kept the shop closed for the day, so there wasn’t a single other car in the lot.
