Page 93 of Pick Me
Hawk put a hand on my arm. “We delayed him as long as we could. He only left twenty minutes ago, and he’s running an errand for Uncle Drew on his way out of town, so I bet you can catch him!”
My mind latched onto the fact that he’d left twenty minutes ago. If I hadn’t stayed for a cup of coffee, I wouldn’t have been too late.
I gripped the railing of the stairs with a palm gone damp as my vision throbbed like a pulse. A line of heat—the kind that burned so hot it felt momentarily cold—crawled down my arms and legs until my fingers and toes went numb. I could practically feel the blood pooling in my thighs and my muscles prepared to run or fight or lift trees… if only I could figure out how tobreathe, damn it.
“Knox,” Webb said firmly but calmly. He was right beside me somehow, propping me up, though I hadn’t even noticed him moving. “Knox, you’re having a panic attack. Come on and sit on the step right here. Perfect. Now breathe with me. That’s right—in, then hold, then—”
I held out a hand to ward him off. I didnotneed to bebreathed with.
Webb backed off but didn’t go away completely. He stayed right beside me and kept encouraging me. “Okay, you’ve got this. Keep going.”
I tried hard to focus on Webb’s face and the sound of his voice, to mimic his deep, even breathing, although the white noise in my head was astoundingly loud and I felt like I was falling, falling,fallinginto infinity.
“All is well with me,” I told him in a raspy voice. “All is well with me.”
“It is,” Webb confirmed. “Keep breathing.”
Several minutes or hours or years later—I honestly had no clue—Hawk said, “You’re doing great. Now name five things you can feel or hear or see around you, Knox.”
I swallowed. I knew what he was doing—that this was a standard panic attack response—but I wasn’t sure how he knew to do it.
“The snow,” I croaked. “The barn. Th-the step underneath me. The ground under my boots.”
I wasn’t falling. The ground was solid, and my brothers were standing by me. I was finally able to take a deep breath of sweet, sweet oxygen.
“That’s only four things,” Webb prompted. “Not five.”
I blew out a shaky breath and lifted my head to frown at him. “Seriously? You’re giving me shit for not counting properly? I don’t think that’s a standard response for panic attacks.”
Webb gave me a half-smile. “It was distracting, wasn’t it? I got some pamphlets from Dr. Paget in town and one suggested that an amusing distraction could help.”
“Amusing, notannoying,” I said wryly.
“Eh.” He shrugged. “The pamphlets don’t know what distracts you like we do.”
I closed my eyes briefly and ran both hands over my face. My familydidknow me. I didn’t know who I’d thought I was fooling by pretending that my mental health was my problem to handle alone.
“Come on,” Hawk said. “Let’s go upstairs. You need to relax for a bit.”
“I can’t now. I have to find Gage,” I told them. “I have things to tell him, and I’d like to do that before he agrees to take a job.” I wanted him to know I wanted to be with him, whether it was here in Vermont, or in Boston or New York, or… hell, anywhere.
“Rest first,” Hawk said, more insistently than he’d ever said anything to me before, and in my head, I heard Goodman saying that worrying about your brothers was a two-way street. “Trust us, Knox.”
I sighed and let them lead me upstairs, where Hawk made me a cup of tea while I changed out of my sweaty clothes and Webb kept up a constant stream of nonsense chatter while I sat on the sofa and drained it.
If I’d ever doubted how much Webb loved me, hearing my taciturn brother voluntarily begin a conversation about what color he might paint the barn—debating only with himself all the while, since neither Hawk nor I had an opinion—then segue into bitching about how Aiden’s teacher had moved right next door—“when he doesn’t knowshitabout proper orchard management!”—then move into the Averill Union Beavers’ chance of clinching a football playoff spot without pausing for breath proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Finally, I set my cup down on the table. “I’ve got to go. I need to find Goodman if I can.”
Hawk tilted his head and watched me like he was trying to gauge if I was capable of making that decision.
“I’m okay. I promise. I…” I hesitated, then volunteered, “After a panic attack, I feel tired but wired. Like you might after a run or a workout. I’m safe to drive.”
Hawk and Webb exchanged a glance.
Webb nodded. “Okay. Because youdoneed to find him, if only so you can apologize for whatever put that look in his eyes earlier. And you need to tell him you love him.” He grimaced. “And this convo is done not a minute too soon, because I’ve run out of words.”
I blinked. “Wait, you know that me and Gage…?”
